


Winging It

by Claranon



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Fake Marriage, also technically-not-so-fake marriage, basically just an excuse to write Fiona iceburning Rhys 24/7, because he deserves it, god does he ever deserve it, relationship tropes and clichés abound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-18 05:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7300600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claranon/pseuds/Claranon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Company Man and Con Artist open the Vault of the Traveler thinking their journey together has come to an end. Little do they know just how tied together they're about to become...</p><p>A series of dialogue-only vignettes exploring Rhys and Fiona's relationship post-game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Let's Just Wing It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona find an unconventional solution to the problem of intergalactic transportation.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Let's Just Wing It](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/lets-just-wing-it) )

* * *

  
" _Finally_ we can get off of this rock. I have had enough of robots to last a lifetime _._ "

"You're like, 25% robot anyway, Rhys."

" _Not_ the parts that really matter, thank you."

"Stop talking before you go into any detail on that."

" _Welcome-to-Transpo-Co-the-transportation-experts. Would-you-like-to-book-passage?_ "

"Yes, please, two tickets to Eunomia."

" _Scanning._ "

"Eunomia's a major hub, I'm sure we'll be able to find a transporter back to Pandora from there."

"That's what you said the _last_ planet, Rhys. Why the hell is travel so restricted?"

"Are you kidding? Your planet's a deathtrap, the more isolated the better."

"That _deathtrap_ is my home and your new base of operations. And, well, very deadly, yeah. But that's not the point."

"I thought you'd be finding this kind of fun. You always wanted to get off Pandora, right?"

"With _Sasha_. Opening a Vault and getting teleported halfway across the galaxy with an ex-Hyperion corporate stooge wasn't exactly the plan."

"You know, the amount of hate you have for corporations really seems out of proportion, and frankly? Unreasonable. Have you ever—"

"Are you kidding me with this? Let me give you a quick rundown of what life was like when your buddy Handsome Jack—"

" _Scan-complete. One-marital-unit-remaining. Present-certificate._ "

"I _told_ you he wasn't my buddy, he—what?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, certificate?"

" _Marital-unit-requires-proof-of-marital-status. Present-certificate._ "

"What the hell is it talking about, Rhys?"

"I'm not fluent in _robot_ , okay? Look, we don't want a—a marital unit, just get us two tickets."

" _Scan-complete. One-marital-unit-remaining. Next-transporter-scheduled-in-one-standard-week._ "

"A _week?_ We can't wait that long, I have to get back to Sasha."

"I know, I know! So what you're saying, um, sir, is you _only_ have one cabin left, and it's reserved for married couples?"

" _Affirmative_."

"This is ridiculous. Why the hell would a robot even _care_?"

" _I-cannot-determine-the-motives-of-my-creators._ "

"Well, okay, then, we are...definitely married. A—a happily married couple. Can we please buy tickets?"

" _Present-certificate._ "

"Oh, come on! Who carries that around with them?"

"Okay, just—hold that booking for us while we go talk about this."  


* * *

  
"They're robots. This planet is 99 _percent_ robot. Are they seriously pushing a _morality_ clause on us?"

"I don't know, Fi. Sometimes things can get—mixed up in the logic circuitry. A _sufficient_ switch could have accidentally been flipped to a _necessary_ one and there are so few humans around it just never came up before."

"I don't know what that means and really don't care. Ideas?"

"We could complain to the head office, get them to send a tech over."

"The transporter's leaving in six hours, Rhys, we can't afford to miss it. I need to make sure Sasha's okay."

"You're not the only one who has to get back! I was right on the ground floor of a property deal on Eden-5—"

"Yeah, so the fate of your _profit margins_ is nice and all, real important, but that's not exactly helping right now. Focus, Rhys. You really can't do the wacky-hacky thing?"

"Oh come on, Fiona, I've asked you like six times not to call it that. And no, none of my modules work on this planet. It's almost like they—like they evolved better defenses for it."

"I know less than anything about any of this, but even I know that doesn't make sense."

"Does it really matter? We've got to figure out some way to get past this booking machine. Maybe we could enlist the help of another robot, or I could try to upgrade my algorithms, or we could figure out if a tech is already on the planet somewhere—"

"...Hey, Rhys."

"What?"

"Why don't we just, you know, get married?"

" _What?_ "

"Get married, get the certificate, get off this godforsaken and frankly _creepy_ planet, and get back home. At this point it's probably the easiest way, right?"

"Fiona, are you—are you _proposing_ to me right now?"

"No, I'm not _proposing_ —well—I mean—kind of, but—okay, you just made it weird."

"You want to get married and _I'm_ making it weird."

"I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to my sister. What's the big deal?"

"It's marriage! That's a huge deal!"

"I'm not going to take half your stuff if that's what you're worried about. If I even _wanted_ your stuff—which, let's emphasize, I really don't—there are easier ways."

"It's—it's not about that! Marriage is a commitment, Fiona. It's binding. It's a declaration of—of _things_. Important ones!"

"It's a piece of paper, Rhys. A few days until we're back on Pandora and then we can get it annulled. You're being really dramatic about this."

"I'm sorry I never worked as a _con artist_ getting married right and left to pull in marks. I just...always thought getting married would be this big event in my life, not some—some cheap ploy."

"How the hell did you survive at Hyperion as such a secret romantic?"

"Even us corporate stooges have _dreams_ , Fiona."

"Look, I don't like this either, but I don't see any other way, all right? We only have a few hours left to secure transport and get out of here."

"Okay, fine, you're— you're probably right. Let's go figure out where to get this done."

"Good. And...for the record, I've never been married either. Sasha's always handled the relationship stuff, but even then it's never really come up."

"Well, that's good to know there are _some_ lines even you don't cross."

"Because the sanctity of marriage is what _really_ matters on a planet full of backstabbing, bloodthirsty psychopaths."

"Right."  


* * *

  
"So, Rhys, do we have everything?"

"ID chips, license, rings—yeah, I think so."

"I still don't know why you bought those."

"You were busy at the registrar and there was a jeweler right next door. This may be a wedding under _entirely_ false pretenses but we can still do it right."

"Just so you know, I'm pawning mine as soon as we get home."

"I'd honestly be shocked if you didn't. Wait—look, we can get the ceremony done there."

"Why the hell does a planet full of robots have 24-hour wedding chapels?"

"You think robots can't make terrible impulse decisions too?"

"I...never really thought about it before."  


* * *

  
" _Dearly-beloved-we-are-gathered-here-today—_ "

"Hey, can you hurry it up a bit? We're kind of in a rush."

" _Initiating-shotgun-protocol. Do-you-RHYS-take-this-woman-or-woman-analogue-to-be-your-lawfully-wedded-wife?_ "

"I—I do."

" _Do-you-FIONA-take-this—_ "

"Yeah, sure."

" _I-now-pronounce-you-husband-and-wife. Initiate-port-merge._ "

"Initiate what?"

"I...think it wants us to kiss, Fiona."

"What? No. Absolutely not."

"Look, officiant...bot, can we just skip that part?"

" _Legal-requirements-dictate—_ "

"We are getting off this planet and never coming back. If you could figure out some way to _blow it up_ afterward that would be even better."

"Okay, I—I know this is awkward, but we're almost done and it's really not a big deal. I mean, you're right, nobody has to know! Nobody ever has to know and—"

"Oh, shut up for once in your life, Rhys."

" _Congratulations. Please-pose-for-commemorative-photo._ "

"I—um—Fiona—"

"There, finally. Grab that certificate and let's get back to the transport."

"Y-yes, got it."  


* * *

  
"One bed. You've got to be kidding me."

"Well, it _did_ say 'marital unit'. Hey, it's okay, I'll just take the floor and—"

"No, never mind, this has been the longest day on record for both of us. Just stick to your side, Rhys, I don't want to wake up covered in drool again."

"I will definitely keep that in mind."

"God, I can't believe we're finally off that planet. If I never see another robot again it'll be too soon."

"Oh, Gortys and Loader Bot aren't so bad."

"Gortys, sure. I still don't understand what _any_ of that kidnapping stuff was about, though. And how come he could suddenly talk with like, full articulation when he had the mask on?"

"I really don't know. But hey, it all worked out in the end, right? We saved Gortys, opened a _vault_ , got...teleported halfway across the galaxy."

"Yeah, that part _kind_ of puts a damper on the rest of it."

"It's only a couple days to Eunomia then it should be an easy hop to Pandora. We'll get you back to Sasha soon, I promise."

"I know, I just—I worry about her, you know? It seems ridiculous, she's twenty-five years old, but I probably always will."

"She's lucky to have you looking out for her."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I for one really hope Atlas is still standing when I get back. What are the chances there's already been a hostile takeover?"

"How long have we been gone, a week? I'll give you 50/50 odds."

"You always know just what to say, Fiona."

"I know my planet. But hey, you'll figure it out. You turned out to be way more resourceful than I ever thought a Hyperion desk jockey could be."

"Well, thank you. I never thought Pandora could have people as—as loyal as you, either."

"Yeah, okay, this is about as cloying as I can stand. We'd better get some sleep."

"Good idea."

"...Rhys."

"What?"

"Why are you chuckling to yourself."

"This is just—not at _all_ how I imagined my wedding night would go."

"Please spare me the details on that one."

"No, I didn't mean _that_ , it's just—here I am, escaping a robot-filled planet newly married to a Pandoran con artist who helped me open a Vault. It _somehow_ never occurred to me as a possibility."

"It's almost a shame all we'll have left after this week are the treasured memories."

"And the photo."

"Right, the photo. Were you _trying_ to look faintly nauseated?"

"Better than the menacing intent you had going on. God, I hope my mom never finds out about this."

"No one has to know. We'll just make something up, this is my specialty."

"Can you try not to make me sound like a complete moron this time?"

"I only have so much to work with, Rhys. Now shut up, I'm tired."

"All right, all right...if you're absolutely _sure_ you don't want those details. I mean, it _is_ our wedding night—"

"I have knives, Rhys. Count them. And those are the ones that _aren't_ hidden."

"Kidding! Just—just kidding."  


* * *

  
"Rhys, you've had a week to work on this since we got back. Are you seriously saying we _can't_ get an annulment?"

"Well, technically we can, it's just the interplanetary legalities are so murky it would require going back to the point of origin for the marriage."

"Back to Robot Hellhole."

"Yeah."

"And until we do that, which is not ever— _ever_ —going to happen, we stay married."

"Basically, yes."

"So we're screwed."

"Well I mean, there are some alternatives, they just take more time. If we wait a standard year and a day we can file for an automatic dissolution. The only requirements are we keep living separately and don't, ah, consummate the marriage."

"Oh. Why didn't you say so? On the list of things that are never, ever going to happen—"

"Yes, that one does feel like a fairly safe bet."

"Well, it shouldn't do much to affect daily life, right? As long as we keep quiet for a year, no one will ever be the wiser. _I_ know how to keep a secret at least."

"Fiona, I'm...not sure if you realize how threatening you're looking right now."

"Oh, I realize."

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

"Sasha! We're just—it's only—funny story—we were talking about—"

"—plants."

"—robots."

"O...kay.


	2. It Suits You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona go undercover with some... _expected_ results.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [It Suits You](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/it-suits-you) )

* * *

  
"Hey, is this thing on? Hello?"

"Fiona! Yes, I can see you. Fiona? _Fiona_."

"Oh, there we go. The thing was just turned the wrong way with...the other thing."

"How do you not know how to use an ECHOcomm?"

"I know how! It was—broken, or something. For a second."

"Yeah. Sure."

"So what's up, Rhys? Wow, you look pale. And frightened. Very, very frightened. Did bullymongs break into the facility again?"

"N-no, nothing like that, but I do, ah, have kind of a situation here—"

"Yeah?"

"You know how we agreed that the whole, uh, marriage thing wasn't going to impact our lives at all and we'd just ignore it completely until the year was up and no one would ever know?"

"I've got a feeling I won't like whatever comes after _that_ kind of opener."

"So as it turns out I may have—completely accidentally—it was basically unavoidable—told the Dahl CEO we were married in order to secure a manufacturing contract and now he expects us to attend a gala together this weekend."

"Yup. I was right."

"It all happened so fast! One minute we were talking about titanium stock prices, blah blah blah, then the next he was telling me with this seriously intense look on his face—like, _scary_ -intense—that one basic rule about business is you can't trust an unmarried man because you never know how dependable they are—"

"Oh, we all know your marital status has _nothing_ to do with your dependability, Rhys."

"I...will choose to take that as a compliment. Then before I knew it I was telling him about _you_ and showing him the wedding picture that was in my desk drawer for—for some reason, and he invited the both of us to his charity gala this weekend. I—I don't know, I didn't have time to think."

" _That_ much is clear."

"I am so sorry about this, and I'll understand if you tell me to shove it, but—could you _consider_ coming with me? Please? Just the one time, I swear. I—I'll make something up after this, that you were eaten by—by skags or something."

"You can dial down the grovel, Rhys. I'll do it."

"You will? Seriously?"

"I'm kind of in between jobs at the moment anyway. Give me a day or so to pack and get up there. We can discuss my fee later."

"Wait—fee?"

"Consulting fee. You're asking a con artist with years of experience to help you pull off a fraud, right? Working for free devalues my brand."

"Oh—right. Of course. Do you, uh, have any idea what kind of number you were thinking of?"

"A big number, Rhys. _Very_ big."

"That's...what I was afraid of."

* * *

  
"Shit, I always forget how to walk in these heels. When do we have to leave again?"

"I was thinking it'd take about two hours to—oh. Um. Wow. You look—"

"I'll take 'slack-jawed stuttering' as a compliment. The time?"

"Time. Right. Uh. Five?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"...Both?"

"Right. Okay, while you're remembering how to talk when there's an attractive girl in the room, I think we should go over our cover story. Did you already tell him anything about me? Background, career, anything?"

"Oh, I did, actually. You're still Pandoran, nothing different there, but instead of the whole, you know, life-of-crime thing, I said you specialized in—in motivational speaking."

"You told him I was a Pandoran _motivational speaker."_

"Yeah. I mean, you always say the best lies incorporate as much truth as possible."

"And this is true _how?_ "

"Well, you're very good at...motivating...people out of their money."

"All right, _clearly_ we have a lot of work to do on the ride over. Are you about ready? You still have your ring, right? Props are an essential part of any con."

"I do, it's in my desk. I'm surprised _you_ still—I thought you were going to pawn yours."

"I tried, but I couldn't get anywhere near its value and I refuse to be ripped off."

"Oh. I figured you'd have some kind of arrangement with the local dealers. Honor among thieves, and all."

"Yeah, that's not a thing."

* * *

  
"Rhys, we need to talk."

"Yes, we do. Where are you even _getting_ all these _amusing anecdotes_ from? Are you trying to mortify me in front of _every_ major galactic player in manufacturing?"

"I'm hardly trying at all. But that Dahl guy, I don't trust him. Even for a scumbag CEO, I mean. Something funny is going on with this deal."

"I know. I've been reading the recent investors reports and the numbers just don't add up. He's hiding something, but I can't figure out what."

"Well, why don't we find out?"

"What?"

"This is his estate, right? I'm sure his files are stashed here somewhere."

"You want to break into his house while we're _at_ his house?"

"Why not? We'll just slip away for a few minutes, no one will notice."

"How can you not even go two hours without committing a felony?"

"Highly-trained instincts. Come on, we can sneak out this side door."

* * *

  
"Fiona! I think the waiter finally left."

"Okay, let's move. Now, if we get caught just follow my lead."

"If we get _caught?_ I thought you checked that he'd be at the party all night!"

"When you've been in this business as long as I have, Rhys, you learn to expect the unexpected."

"Just so you know, that probably sounded a lot cooler in your head."

"At least my lines sound cool _anywhere._ "

"I—"

"Shut up, we've got work to do. This is what you're paying me for, remember?”

"I _thought_ I was paying for you to be my loving, supportive, totally-not-a-wanted-criminal-on-three-planets wife."

" _Two_ planets. One of them's technically a satellite."

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it does. Bounty hunter jurisdiction isn't something you mess around with."

"The more I learn about your career the less I understand it, Fi."

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. Keep a lookout while I pick the lock."

"Will this take long? Maybe I should go back and check the—"

"Done."

"How did you—is this what you did instead of going to college?"

"I don't know, Rhys, is college what you did instead of talking to girls?"

"I had _plenty_ of dates in college, thank you very much."

"Oh yeah, Vaughn mentioned the time you got drunk at the Eden-5 opera and threw up in your girlfriend's lap."

" _Why_ does he always tell you these things?"

"Relax, the secrets of your embarrassing youth are safe with me—right up until I need something from you. So, what are we looking for?"

"Anything to do with what happened to Hyperion assets right after the Helios crash. Dahl's a big manufacturer and the CEO's _very_ interested in this deal, but I just know there's something he's trying to hide here."

"Got it. You hack his computer while I search the file cabinets. Keep an ear out."

"... _Ha_. You thought this puny security system was enough to keep _me_ out? Maybe for an amateur, but you're dealing with the hacking _master_ here."

"Do you always congratulate yourself when you're at all competent at something?"

"Three-factor authentication _and_ encrypted firewall bypass, Fiona!"

"I'm weak at the knees."

"...A lot of interesting information here. Anything in the files, Fi?"

"Corruption, bribery, extortion, prostitution, warmongering. The usual for you corporate types."

"Hey, I have _never_ done those last two."

"For once I can't even argue with that. You're miles better than these scumbags, Rhys."

"Wow, I'm...actually flattered. Thank you."

"Don't let it go to your head. Now where—is that someone coming?"

"Shit. Shit! What do we do? There's nowhere to hide and no time to get out!"

"For god's sake, stop panicking! Shut down the terminal and get over here."

"How is this going to help? Now we're both— _mmph!_ "

"Hello? Is someone there? Hello? Show yourselves!"

"Oh!"

"Why—Rhys? And your wife—Fiona, was it? Just what are you doing in my office?"

"Um—"

"Your _office?_ Oh no, we are _so_ sorry about this. We snuck away from the party to find a quiet place to—well—oh, this is just too embarrassing!"

"Uh—"

"Oh, I...see. How did you get in here? Wasn't the door locked?"

"Was it? I don't remember anything like that, do you, Rhys honey?"

"Er—"

"Guess I must have forgotten to lock it when I left earlier. Still, seems kind of a strange place to wind up by accident."

"Oh, we were just trying to be alone for a few minutes and this was the first empty room we found. We really can't _believe_ this happened, right darling?"

"I—uh— _ow!_ —yes! Yes, sorry about this, Steve. You know how it is, two months married and the missus can't keep her hands off me, haha."

"Ah, of course. Well, I can't say I don't remember being that young. Try to be a little more careful next time where you wind up, if you don't mind. And when you're—uh—ready, Larry's looking for you back at the party, Rhys."

"Larry. Right. Tell him I'll—I'll be back shortly?"

"Can do. Ma'am."

"...And he's gone around the corner."

"OhmygodI'mgoingtocollapse."

"Stop being a wuss, Rhys. It went fine."

"Need air. Breath not working. Lungs at half capacity."

"At least one of us knows how to act. 'The missus'? _Really?_ "

"Excuse me for being a _little_ distracted by your hand on my ass! _Just follow your lead_ , Fiona?"

"For all the good that did. I thought our wedding kiss was bad, but little did I know how much worse things could get with tongue."

"I was surprised! You didn't exactly show off amazing finesse either."

"This is _business_. If you want more enthusiasm you're going to have to pay me extra."

"Who's involved in prostitution _now?_ "

" _Hey_."

"Sorry. So he's definitely gone?"

"Seems like it. We'll have to figure out another way into his files. Should we go back to the party now?"

"Yeah, just—give me a minute here."

"Rhys...are you blushing?"

"What? No!"

"Then that flush on your cheeks is—"

"The—the lighting in here brings out my red tones!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Oh for crying out— _why_ are you looking at me like that?"

"I was just thinking about how much Vaughn's going to like _this_ one."

"Oh. Oh no. Please don't. I will pay you double. Triple! I will give you my _entire company_."

"We can negotiate later. Come on, let's get back to the party. Unless you want to stay here and practice our _acting_ some more?"

"Okay, I think I'm ready to—wait, what?"

"Wow, you're right, those red tones are _really_ popping. I wonder what kind of light bulbs these are?"

"I am referring to you as nothing _but_ 'the missus' for the rest of this weekend."

"You're going to love the pet names I have for you. I've been storing them up."

"I—I can't wait. Coming?"

"Let's go. _Skaglips_."

"...I need a vacation."

* * *

  
"And heels—off. Oh god. That is so, so much better."

"I can't believe we made it out of there alive. I have never been so horribly _terrified_ at a charity event before."

"Really? I thought that was just a matter of course at corporate parties. What were they even fundraising for?"

"'Open a Vault for Pandorans', I think. It's the Dahl CEO's new pet charity."

"That sounds made-up. Like, someone made that up to hide how they're stealing a bunch of money, made-up."

"Well, you know us corporate scumbags."

"Too well, these days. Would you mind turning down the lights? Think I'll rest my eyes for a bit."

"Sure. But hey, Fiona?"

"Yeah?"

"I—I just want to say, I really appreciate your helping me out here. I know you don't have a lot of respect for this work—or, well, me—but, uh, it means a lot to me. So, thanks."

"You're welcome. I actually sort of miss doing this kind of thing. It's a lot more fun when my whole livelihood isn't on the line."

"Right, just _my_ livelihood."

"Hey, if it doesn't work out you've always got the plants to fall back on."

"Sure, if I could just get them to stop _eating each other_."

"Oh. Yeah, you should probably work on that."


	3. A Temporary Alliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona form a partnership of another sort.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [A Temporary Alliance](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/a-temporary-alliance) )

* * *

  
"Rhys, I got your message about that digsite job."

"Fiona! You're here, good, thanks for taking this on."

"Athena says tracking down artifacts is good practice for Vault Hunting, but I honestly wonder if she's just trying to get rid of me. It's so hard to tell with her."

"Well, maybe she has better things to do with her time. She _is_ a newlywed, after all."

"So am I, but you don't see me hanging out at Scooter's garage all day awkwardly flirting."

"I'm...not sure that's exactly the same situation."

"Close enough. So what do you need?"

"Let me pull up the file in my ECHOmail so you know what you're looking for."

"Hey, Rhys, wait—scroll back up. What is all this?"

"What? Oh, those. Just some invitations that have been coming in from a few contacts. It's no big deal."

"No big deal? You _live_ for networking. It's almost unnerving how much you're into the corporate schmooze. Why haven't you been going to any of these?"

"Well, most of the time they want me to, uh, bring you along. I mean—my wife. Who is technically you."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think—it was just a one-time thing for that gala at the Dahl CEO’s house, Fi. I never intended on—"

"Okay, if this is going to move forward then I want a cut."

"What?"

"Forget the fee, just give me a commission or stock options or something."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about a business arrangement, Rhys. You need me, so don't even think about trying to cheat me on this."

"I don't even know what's going on and yet—somehow—you're threatening me?"

"Look, showing up with your nauseatingly supportive wife and proving you’re a dependable, married man helped you get that Dahl contract, right?"

"Right."

"And now apparently there are all these other deals just waiting to be made—as long as said nauseatingly supportive wife comes along."

"Wait, so you're—you're offering to do that?"

"I'm _offering_ a partnership. Equal stake for equal work."

"I—I'm not even sure what to say."

"'Yes, Fiona, you're amazingly good at what you do and I would be more than happy to make you rich' would be a start."

"I don't sound like that!"

"Yeah you do."

"I still don't—you _hate_ corporations, Fiona. Atlas, Hyperion, Dahl—you've never had anything but contempt for them, and you're definitely not the only one on Pandora. Why would you want to help me with this?"

"Because...as slimy and disgusting as I think these companies are, you're trying to do something different here. Something that could actually make Pandora _livable_ and not just a place to run away from. If we have to put up with _one_ sleazy corporation hanging around, I'd want it to be this one."

"That...wow, that actually means a lot to me, Fiona."

"Don't get me wrong, I still want to punch you every time you start waxing joyously about profit margins, I'd just rather you than the other guys."

"Yeah, okay, that sounds more like you."

"So what do you say? Play the happily married corporate scumbags so we can take advantage of the even _bigger_ scumbags of the galaxy?"

"I—okay. Deal."

"Good. We'll figure out the details later, go back to that info about the artifact."

"Of course. What newly married couple _doesn't_ spend time poring over ancient alien ruins together? Well, when they're not—"

"In your dreams, Rhys."


	4. No Wonder You're Single

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona are reminded that what goes around, comes around.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [No Wonder You're Single](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/no-wonder-youre-single) )

* * *

  
"Are you sure this is the right restaurant this time, Fiona?"

"Of course I'm sure. I mean, pretty sure. Hopefully."

"I can't believe we're almost late. How do you not know how to read a map?"

"Street maps aren't really that useful on Pandora, Rhys. Things tend to get blown up pretty regularly."

"Okay, good, I see the Maliwan president inside. Ready?"

"Remind again what this one's about."

"He's got an in with the local government on that botanical research proposal I'm working on. We've got a meeting later today but first he wanted us to get lunch with him and his wife."

"She's on the Eridium regulatory board, right?"

"Right, so any info you can get on the new laws being pushed through would be great."

"Spending a whole afternoon with some uptight pencil-pusher. I can't wait."

"Come on, it might be fun. You can—go shopping. Or do nail stuff. Maybe something with your...hair."

"You don't talk to women much, do you, Rhys?"

"Sure I do! I mean—sometimes. Enough."

"It shows. Come on, let's head in."

"Okay. Time to—oh crap."

"What is it?"

 _"That_ is my ex-girlfriend from college."

"Which one?"

"The blonde. Sitting right next to the president. With the eyes that look like they could—and frequently _did—_ shoot lasers through steel."

"Oh. Huh. Not bad, Rhys."

"No—bad. Very, very bad."

"I get the impression you didn't part on good terms."

"That, Fiona, is the understatement of the _century_."

"Okay, I take it back. I think this afternoon's going to be way more fun than I ever imagined."  
  


* * *

  
"You're seriously not going to tell me what you talked about?"

"Who says we had time to talk between all the shopping and the hair appointments, Rhys?"

"You were saving that one, weren't you?"

"Not gonna lie."

"Fiona, please. _Please_."

"I kinda like you like this, Rhys. You're just so—pathetically desperate. Is this how you moved up the ranks at Hyperion?"

"My ex-girlfriend and my technical-but-not-really-wife spent all afternoon together _probably_ gossiping about how much I suck, so yes, I'm desperate. Come on, there's got to be a reason for what she told me after dinner."

"Oh yeah, I noticed she whispered something to you before we left. What was it?"

"'Don't fuck this one up.'"

"Huh. Guess I made a bit of an impression after all."

"Fiona—"

"I promise I'll _think_ about telling you, Rhys, but no more than that. Hey, it's probably a bit late for you to head back to the facility tonight. Want to crash at my place?"

"Fine. We might as well start planning our next job while I'm here. Unless you don't feel like _talking_ about that either."

"Resentment, Rhys. It'll kill even the best marriage."

"Well, ours should be plenty safe then."  
  


* * *

  
"Here, you save the table and I'll go get drinks. The usual?"

"Make it a double."

"We  _are_  trying to work here, Fiona."

"It helps me think. You're the one who suggested we go to a bar."

"Only because _you_ don't seem to realize that usable flat surfaces are an essential part of home decorating."

"I get by fine. Are you going or not?"

"I'm going! I'm going."

"...Hey there."

"Buzz off, asshole."

"That's not what I remember you saying last time."

"There  _was_ no last time, jacka—oh."

"Fiona, wasn't it? Long time no see."

"Yeah, I—I guess it has been a while."

"What have you been up to? Still working for Hollow Point Social Services?"

"Uh—yes. Of course. You know me, every kid I can get off the streets is a victory."

"Funny about that, I wasn't expecting a social worker to sneak out in the middle of the night like you did. And right around the same time a significant chunk of cash went missing from my wallet."

"That—that was just for cab money. I swear I was going to pay you back, I just forgot where you lived. Or worked. Or...where we even met."

"I figured it was something like that, don't worry about it. So, you here alone tonight?"

"Alone...ish."

"Great, me too. Here, let me buy you a drink."

"No, really, you don't have to. I was actually just leaving, so—"

"Um, Fiona?"

"Oh no."

"Who are you?"

"I'm—Rhys?"

"Oh. Oh, I see. Is  _this_  what you're into these days?"

"I—"

"Fiona, aren't you going to introduce me to your...friend?"

"You know, I don't think we really have time for—"

"You don't remember my name, do you?"

"...Weasel?"

"Zack."

"That's what I—that's what I meant."

"Right. Well, I should probably leave you guys to it."

"Yeah. Okay. Great."

"It was a  _pleasure_  meeting you, Zack."

"Sure. Oh, word of advice, buddy—don't take it personal when she skips off afterward without telling you. It's more than worth it, believe me."

"Good to know. Thanks."

"See you around, Fiona."

"Yes, I'll definitely—yeah."

"Well. Well, well, well."

" _Don't_."

"He was certainly very...beefy."

"What part of 'don't' do you not understand?"

"Sounds like it was one of those whirlwind romances. I never took you for the type, Fi."

"Give me my drink. I am not putting up with this sober."

"Meeting a dark, handsome stranger on a lonely night—"

"Handsome?"

"—hey, everyone has their preferences, I don't judge—a thrilling flirtation over drinks—"

"You are enjoying this _way_ too much."

"—falling into his passionate—and _shockingly_ husky—embrace—"

"Are you done?"

"—followed by you sneaking out with a presumably large number of his valuables, without ever having learned his name."

"Just...the cash in his wallet, actually."

"Wow, that's it? You must have _really_ liked him, Fi."

"I take back every nice thing I've ever said to you."

"Well, that's only a total of about ten words, so I think I'll be okay. I'm surprised you told him your real name, though."

"I was honestly too hammered at the time to think up a fake one."

"And they say romance is dead."

" _Something_ will be if you keep talking. Can we work now?"

"Okay, sure."

"Finally."

"But don't worry, I won't mind if you're a little distracted by the 'might have been's. I know that being married even to such a stellar example of masculinity as myself can't entirely quash old regrets for the burly Zacks of the world."

"Just so you know, I am _never_ telling you what your ex and I talked about today."

"Oh, I think I can bear that sacrifice now that I have something _so_ much better instead. All right, let's go over these personnel files."


	5. Trying to Keep it Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona spend a little forced quality time together.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Trying to Keep it Interesting](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/trying-to-keep-it-interesting) )

* * *

  
"I can't believe you broke the car, Fiona."

"I didn't _break_ anything, okay? It was an act of god."

"You were driving!"

"Well, I—I do a lot of things! Most of them competently, which is more than I can say for _some_ —"

" _Don't_ start with that right now."

"I'll start what I want. Except...for this car, which is apparently dead. Have you got Janey back on the comm yet?"

"Not yet—wait, here she is now."

" _Hey, guys. I dunno, the diagnostics don't look good. I think I might have to send a tech out to you tomorrow morning._ "

" _Tomorrow?_ We're stuck in the middle of the desert here, Janey."

"Couldn't you just—I don't know, talk us through it or something?"

" _Sure I could, if you don't mind probable death by electrocution._ "

"Shit."

"Well, I mean—is it likely _both_ of us would die? Or maybe just, _one_ of us? And then it would be fixed, right?"

"Oh come on, Fiona. Really?"

"Okay, okay, just asking."  
  


* * *

  
"Stop worrying, Rhys, I always keep an emergency kit handy. I've got blankets, energy bars, a couple bottles of hooch. Add a good-sized fire and we'll make it through the night fine."

"I hope you also have guns in that kit. This really doesn't look too far from where that Rakk Hive attacked us once."

"It was hundreds of miles away from here. How long have you been living on Pandora now?"

"I'm sorry I have a hard time differentiating one deadly patch of wasteland from another. Hand me one of those energy bars, I'm starving."

"Here. I'll warn you, they're a little...bland."

"Urgh, god, you weren't kidding. These are so much worse than Helios Snax. Those were actually quite tasty."

"You do know they were probably made of people, right?"

"Yeah...yeah, probably."  
  


* * *

  
"Rhys, give me a light so I can see what I'm doing here."

"Don't you have a flashlight in your kit?"

"Yeah, but your hand thingy works better and doesn't waste batteries. You can keep it going for a while, right?"

"Sure, right up until the point I pass out from excessive neurological energy drain."

"Oh, is _that_ how your cybernetics work?"

"Well, yeah. What did you think they ran on?"

"I dunno. Smugness and bad fashion choices?"

"Ha ha, we've got a funny one here. So what are we actually going to _do_ tonight? I'm way too nervous about the monsters to sleep right now."

"I think I've got a deck of cards in the car. That and the booze should tide us over."

"Right, the alcohol. Because drinking  _that_ in the middle of the desert at night is definitely one of our safer ideas."

"The smell keeps the skags away, Rhys. It's an old prospectors' trick."

"Wait, is that—is that actually true?"

"Maybe. I imagine we'll find out pretty quick, anyway."  
  


* * *

  
"For the love of—give me that, I'm not letting you deal anymore."

"Rhys, I'm hurt. Whatever happened to trust?"

"When it comes to _creative shuffling_ I trust you about as far as I can throw you, Fi."

"So not very far then, given your _astounding_ lack of upper body strength."

"Well—yeah. Exactly. I guess."

"You want to keep playing Crazy Eights or switch it up again?"

"I'd _like_ to find a game you can't manage to tilt in your favor."

"Good thing we have a lot of time to kill, then."

"Oh, hey, how about Go Fish?"

"Really? What are you, eight years old?"

"Eight-year-old _regional champion_ at the Sixteenth Annual Eden-6 Go Fish tournament, in fact."

"You have a trophy, don't you."

"I—"

"I bet it's sitting in your office right now."

"Look, does it really—can we just play?"  
  


* * *

  
"Okay, I can't—this is killing me, Rhys. New rules: if you get a point, drink. If you pass a card, drink. If you _don't_ pass a card—"

"—you die from alcohol poisoning?"

"That would _still_ be better than playing this straight."

"All right. All right, challenge accepted. With an addendum—whenever someone gets a point, they get to ask the other person a question."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Anything. And you _have_ to answer."

"I feel like I've worked my way through this bottle just enough for that _not_ to sound like a terrible idea. I'm in."

"Wait, first— _no_ questions about relationship history, okay? I don't think that'd end well for either of us."

"Aw, Rhys, don't worry. I'd give you a few moments to make something up."

"And that's exactly why."  
  


* * *

  
"Ha! Four sixes. Eat it."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"The tiny business cards you made as a kid—"

"Oh come on, did she seriously tell you about those?"

"That and more, Rhys. So much more. What did you have printed on them?"

"That's—"

"You said _anything_ , remember."

"I know, I—ugh. Well, they had my name, of course."

"And..."

"And—and my title."

"Which was?"

"Vice President."

"Of?"

"...The Super Handsome Cool Dudes Club. Are you happy now?"

"I feel like 'happy' is the wrong word for this. 'Filled with malicious glee' is probably more accurate."

"We'll see who's laughing in a minute. Give me all your fives."  
  


* * *

  
"No no no no, seriously, you and Sasha really auditioned as _robot strippers?_ "

"We did. Somehow still only the _second_ strangest experience of my life."

"But, come on—it actually _worked?_ "

"I made more tips that night than on any other job I've ever done."

"I feel like this is one of those things I probably should have been told before we got married."

"It's not my fault you never asked. Your deal."  
  


* * *

  
"Your ex-girlfriend I met at lunch that day—"

"No."

"I just wanted to—"

" _No._ "

"What's the point in asking _anything_ when one huge topic is off-limits?"

"The point is keeping at least _one_ small shred of my dignity, Fiona. Pick something else."

"Fine, if you're going to be like that. I still think it's dumb."  
  


* * *

  
"Gortys or LB?"

"That's not even a real question. Gortys, obviously."

"Come on, really? Loader Bot brought us all back together!"

"Yeah, by kidnapping us and forcing us to relive some of the worst moments of our lives just to get the _whole story_. I get nervous whenever I see him anywhere _near_ a roll of duct tape."

"I guess you have a point there. Still, I don't know. He meant well."

"Megalomaniac corporate fascists also mean well, Rhys."

"Wow, okay, that...escalated."  
  


* * *

  
"All right, Fi, I'm ready to be humiliated once again. Just—out with it already."

"Handsome Jack."

"What?"

"He's really gone, right? You've never...there's been nothing since the crash?"

"I—No. Nothing. Whatever systems he crawled into were totally contained in those implants I destroyed. He's gone."

"Good. That's—that's good."

"Is there...any particular reason you asked?"

"I don't know. Not really. I guess I've just been wondering for a while now. He really screwed things up for us. And—you, especially."

"Well, he lost in the end."

"He did. I'm glad that I—I mean, we—can count on you just being regular Rhys now. You're kind of a dick sometimes, but this is kind of a dick family, so it works."

"Wow, Fiona. I had no idea you were such a mushy drunk."

"I _know_. God, I'm going to regret this in the morning."  
  


* * *

  
"That's really what you want to know?"

"Yeah. Call me curious."

"Well, if I'm being honest...nothing."

"Nothing? Not one part?"

"I don't think so. I mean, of course I have regrets—Scooter, destroying Gortys, not being able to help Athena—but I guess I've just learned to keep walking forward. We never really had any other choice growing up here."

"I guess that makes sense."

"What about you? Would you change anything?"

"Hey, it's not my turn!"

"It's called 'having a conversation', Rhys."

"Oh. Yeah, that's—that's fair. I guess...I wouldn't change anything either. Despite everything we went through, things seem to have worked themselves out pretty okay in the end. Well, no, that's not entirely true, there is _one_ thing."

"What?"

"I'd get you to check the damn engine before we left."

"Okay, I change my answer to that too."  
  


* * *

  
"Fiona. Hey, Fiona."

"Mmph."

"And she accuses _me_ of drooling in my sleep. Would you mind at least not cutting off the circulation in my arm?"

"Ugh. G'way."

"All right, fine. You can...stay there, then."

"Umm."

"I'll just take off your hat for you. Although—no, you probably don't sleep in it, right?"

"..."

"You don't have to death-clutch your cards anymore either. Here, let me just—"

"..."

"Huh. Looks...like I won the last round, then."

"..."

"...Fiona?"

"..."

"I...I guess I have one more question for you."

"..."

"Would you ever consider...after the year is up..."

"...Consider what, Rhys."

"Fiona! N-nothing, never mind, go back to sleep."

"Mm. Night, Rhys. Don't get killed by spiderants."

"Yeah. Yeah, you too."


	6. Super Sleuth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona learn—again—what a terrible idea it is to get mixed up in the Vault Hunting business.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Super Sleuth](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/super-sleuth) )

* * *

  
"Okay, Fi, I sent the message off to the seller and we should hear back within a day."

"Great, thanks for taking care of this so quickly. The usual cut okay?"

"No, don't worry about it, I just—are you _sure_ this Vault Key is real?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Okay. Okay good, I—"

"Sure _enough_ , anyway."

" _Fiona_."

"Shouldn't you know better than me what a real Vault Key looks like? You worked for Hyperion for years, and had Handsome Jack in your head for god knows how long besides."

"It's not like I got anything _useful_ out of that. He didn't go into detail about all the Vault Keys he found so much as his endless sexcapades across Pandora."

"Okay, gross. If I hear any more about that I'll have nightmares tonight."

"I haven't slept well in _months_."

"But really, stop worrying, Rhys. I've done a lot of research on this and everything looks legit. It must be good that they only want to work through an established company like Atlas, right?"

"Let's hope so. We'll know more when they get back to us with a price."

"Which will probably be...significant.”

"Yeah, where are you even getting the money for this, Fiona?"

"I can't tell you all my secrets, Rhys."

"Historically you've told me very few of your secrets. Actually, more like none of them."

" _Some_ people know how to hold their booze without spilling every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to them. Like for example, getting voted out as treasurer of the Young Investors Club in a shockingly scandalous coup—"

"Yes, _thank you_ , Fiona, your point has been made."

* * *

  
"I've heard of these city worlds but I've never actually been to one before. It's kind of incredible, isn't it?"

"Yeah, well, they're overrated. There's the smog, and the noise, and the traffic, and the stabbings. A _lot_ of stabbings."

"Sounds kind of like Pandora."

"Okay, not _that_ many stabbings. The only reason I've been here before is it's the main campus of my alma mater."

"Your what?"

"My alma—where Vaughn and I went to college."

"Why didn't you just say so?"

"Are we really arguing about this? Already?"

"Just keeping you on your toes. You sure we're not lost? This doesn't seem like the part of town you'd find a—what was his title again?"

"Vice President of a Vault Hunting enthusiast LLC. I did some background checking and all their filings looked legit. Let me check the map again, I don't know this sector of the city at all."

"I take it you and Vaughn never got out here for your annual nerd competitions."

"...The Hack-A-Thon."

"Same difference. Come on, let's just find the place and get this done. One quick and easy deal and we'll be on our way home in no time, Vault Key in tow."

"Somehow I always get _more_ worried when you say things like that."

* * *

  
"Oh my god—I can't believe this—"

"Rhys, stop pacing before you wear a hole in the floor."

"We got arrested. We are under _arrest_ , Fiona. How can you be so calm?"

"It's kind of something you learn to deal with _really_ early on in a career like mine."

"I should have known this would happen. Has there ever been a real Vault Key deal in the history of this _galaxy_?"

"We are kind of setting a precedent here. At least I had nothing to do with this one."

"Nothing to do—we're here because you have _everything_ to do with this one!"

"Well, yeah, but not on the actual scamming side. You have to admit that's an improvement."

"An _improvement_ would be getting out of this jail cell. I need to—oh my god. Was that a rat? I think I just saw a rat. We are under arrest and sitting in a jail filled with _rats_."

"Will you calm down? This is honestly one of the nicer jails I've been in. Nicer than some _hotels_ I've stayed at."

"Well, I'm sorry that I'm a little _freaked out_ at my first time being locked up. I didn't grow up on Pandora, lying from my first word and learning how to shank people in my crib."

"We don't give babies _knives_ , Rhys."

"That's some small relief."

"A lead pipe makes way more sense for their grip."

* * *

  
"Now, let's get started. First name, Fiona, last name—"

"I know my own name. Can we move this along?"

"You might be interested to know there are _numerous_ outstanding warrants for your arrest on Pandora, as well as several other planets in the system."

"You're right. That was absolutely _fascinating_ information."

"I'm not sure you understand the situation you're in right now, ma'am. You and your partner are under arrest for participating in an illegal Eridium smuggling operation and were caught right in the middle of a deal."

"I already explained to the other guy that we were here to buy a _Vault Key_. I have the messages to prove it if you'll just let me—look, are you the good cop or the bad cop?"

"What?"

"I feel like this would go a lot easier if I knew which one you were."

"I don't know what you're—"

"Okay, fine, we'll assume good cop. Can we please cut to the chase? You obviously have an angle here and the sooner you come out with it the sooner we can finish up with this incompetence and go home. It's been a _really_ long day."

"If you insist. We're not actually interested in you, ma'am, but your partner, who we know is CEO of Atlas Corp. If you cooperate with us fully then we can make sure these charges and outstanding warrants go away. If not, then I'm afraid you'll be in for a very bad time of it."

"Oh. Huh. So that's what's going on."

"I'm sorry?"

"You don't actually have anything."

"We don't—"

"All this—questioning me first, using my record to get me to turn on Rhys—you don't have anything to pin on us but this deal."

"A deal, I'll remind you, for smuggled—"

"Yeah, I know, we've been over that. The point is, you must need me to talk, to give you _something_ on Atlas or Rhys, even if it's not about this."

"Hang on—"

"Why, though? Who tipped you off that Atlas is involved in Eridium smuggling and was coming here today?"

"We—"

"There are a few possibilities, but what would make the most sense—"

"Ma'am—"

"Someone must have seen an opportunity when Rhys approached them about the Vault Key. This was a frame job from the start and it worked out exactly how they wanted—"

"Wait a second—"

"—because now the police have him _and_ his conveniently criminal accomplice in the perfect position to spill all his secrets to save her own neck."

"Enough!"

"Oh, are we done with the good cop thing now?"

"Look, I don't know where you got all this frame job nonsense from, but you at least seem to understand the predicament you're in. All we want is some information on your partner—"

"Husband."

"Sorry?"

"We're not partners, we're married."

"Oh. I don't see how that matters in this—"

"Ever heard of the term 'spousal privilege'?"

"What?"

"Here, I'll help you out. It means, that if you're relying on _my_ testimony to get you anywhere in your case against Rhys, you might as well be holding a handful of skag shit for all the good it'll do you."

"I assume you have some proof of these assertions?"

"Of course, detective. Get Rhys in here and we'll clear the whole thing right up."

"...I need to talk to my supervisor."

"Great. I'll wait. "  


* * *

  
"Fiona? Are you okay? I heard a bit about what's going on, but—"

"Sit down, sir. Now, I understand you have some evidence that can prove the status of the relationship between you two?"

"What? Oh, yeah, of course. Here."

"You...keep your marriage certificate in your jacket pocket?"

"Sure. You never know when it might come in handy, right?"

"As I was saying, detective, I think the situation's become pretty clear. You're not getting anything out of us, you don't _have_ anything on us but that we were here to buy _something_ from _someone,_ and every minute you talk to _us_ means the actual, you know, _smugglers and people who framed us_ are getting away with this. So, I think we've pretty much finished with this whole—"

"Although we'd be happy to aid in your investigation, of course. I've actually got some ideas for how I could track down the IP of those ECHOmails they sent—"

"You can talk to forensics about that. I'll be back in a few minutes with your release papers."

"What the _hell_ are you doing, Rhys?"

"What's the problem, Fiona? We might be able to help out here!"

"Rhys, my entire life's work has been based around _not_ helping the authorities. Any authorities. Anywhere."

"If you're right and someone set us up then we _need_ to figure out what's going on. I'm sure I could geo-trace the messages we got when we landed."

"Ugh, fine, do whatever you want. It still feels immoral."

"Come on, Fiona, I thought you'd be more eager at having a chance to get your money back."

"Oh, I'd already written that off. I bought Vault Key insurance before we left Pandora just in case."

"Let me guess—insurance for when a Vault Key deal goes sour and you lose all your cash _and_ the Key, because this is a situation that happens _all the time_ on your backwards planet."

"I like to think of it as _our_ backwards planet now, Rhys."

"That reminds me, that spousal privilege stuff you told the detective, how did you know all that?"

"I found it on the ECHOnet. Once I realized we were stuck in this marriage for a year I looked up all the legal and criminal implications. Why waste an advantage?"

"Your dedication to your craft never ceases to amaze me."

"Thank you."

* * *

  
"Wow, that was— _wow_. We got to ride along on a _high-speed chase_ , Fiona! And did you see how my IP hack took us _right there?_ Then the thing you did with the gun at the end, and the way you talked us out of getting arrested—you were incredible! Man, I am _so_ amped right now."

"Rhys. I need my lungs. You know, for living."

"Oh, heh, sorry. I get a little huggy when I'm excited. Maybe I should have been a cop instead of doing the whole corporate thing, this feels amazing."

"Let's not say things we can't take back. Corporate douchbaggery is one thing, but police work is a whole other level."

"Fiona, look! The guy they're taking away now, he's the one that started all this, the Vice President of that fake LLC. I'm just gonna go over there—"

"Wait, _don't_ do anything embarrassing—"

"Hey there. Buddy. _Pal_. You know, it's lucky you have such an enthusiasm for Vaults—"

"Rhys—"

"—because you're going to be locked away for a long, long time."

"...Wasn't…quite fast enough. Come on, Rhys, let your new friends do their jobs. We should get out of the area."

"Yeah, I—I guess you're right. Wow, what a night. You can't say this all wasn't extremely cool, Fiona."

"Okay, fine, it was a _little_ cool. You did a great job, Rhys, helping cops notwithstanding."

"Why, thank you. I'm sorry about your money, though. Maybe the cops will figure out what happened to it."

"I won't hold my breath. It's fine, I'm not hurting for cash."

"Even after that? Just how much money _do_ you—"

"Not gonna happen, Rhys."

"Okay, okay. So what now? Back to Pandora?"

" _Now_ you take me to the best burger joint on the planet, because I am absolutely starving."

"Me too, actually. I know just the place, Vaughn and I used to go there all the time, they're _amazing_. You can't tell what the meat is but you don't even _care_ it's so good."

"Lead the way. But, wait, Rhys—"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever was going on with that frame job, you know it didn't end here. There was somebody behind those guys—still is."

"I know. We'll just—we'll figure it out when we get back home, okay? Right now I could really use a burger and a beer. And to let this adrenaline, you know, subside, before I have heart failure."

"Good idea. I don't know how to fly your ship if you keel over."

* * *

  
"You were right. You could tell me this was made from people and I'd still keep eating it."

"I think one of them actually _is_. Who names something a Soylent Burger as a joke?"

"Here, you must have a bottle opener attachment on that thing."

"It's a state-of-the-art cybernetic replacement limb, Fiona, not 'that thing'."

"So..."

"...There's a bottle opener. Just a second."

"Thanks."

"Wait, we should make a toast. You know, for luck."

"A toast? Rhys, we're drinking beer off the side of an overpass, not attending a state dinner."

"Come on, Fi, humor me."

"Fine. What are we toasting?"

"Let's see. You probably aren't as excited as I am that Atlas's profit projections for next quarter have doubled."

"Nope. Pick another."

"Robot productivity being up 117%?"

"Do I have to answer that?"

"Well, what do you want to toast to?"

"Me? You're the one who suggested it."

"Come on, there's nothing you want to celebrate?"

"Gee, Rhys, let me think. I'm out several million dollars, my favorite hat got confiscated as crime scene evidence, and I'm hanging out with a guy who's worked for not one but _two_ of the companies that ruined my planet."

"So...you're not picking a toast."

"Nah, you go ahead."

"Okay, how about—to the comeuppance of every asshole who tries to scam someone out of a Vault Key."

"Rhys."

"What?"

"You realize you just made a 'screw you' toast to _me_."

"Wait—I didn't—I meant everyone _but_ you!"

"Right."

"It—it was different from these guys. You—I know you had your reasons."

"Reasons like, you had ten million dollars and I wanted your ten million dollars?"

"Yeah, exactly. No, wait—"

"Rhys, I'm kidding. Come on, let's just drink to—to being able to sit down and enjoy a damn drink."

"That's a good one. Cheers."

"Cheers."

"Man, being here takes me back. Vaughn and me, we had a lot of good times during college."

"Like the Hack-A-Thons and board game nights?"

"Yes, those, and also parties, and girls, and, you know—cool stuff. That we did."

"I don't know, Rhys, I've _met_ one of those girls and she had some very different stories to tell."

"Wait, did Stacey—is _that_ what you two talked about?"

"Well, we only had time for the really good stuff. Like when you tried to join a frat and had to break into their rival's chapterhouse—"

"Oh my god, not even _Vaughn_ would ever tell that one."

"I was actually kind of impressed with your ingenuity. I'd never have thought to use the sewage system like that."

"How come I can never get people to tell me stuff like this about you?"

"Like I said before, Rhys, we Pandorans just know how to hold our booze better."

"Clearly with a lot of practice. Do you even have a legal drinking age?"

"Nope. As soon as you can visit a bar without getting stabbed, you're good to go."

"I'm not even sure _I_ could do that."

"Yeah, in your case I definitely wouldn't risk it."

"...It's funny."

"What is?"

"I don't know, just—just thinking about what things were like back in college. I was so focused on my career, on running my own company someday. My _only_ goal was to join Hyperion and move up the corporate ladder."

"Which you did. At least, until you crashed most of it into Pandora."

"Yeah, I didn't exactly plan for that part. But I mean, I didn't really plan for _any_ of this. College-me could never have imagined what my life would be like now. Hell, year-ago-me wouldn't have believed this."

"We have done a lot of unbelievable things. Including that any of us is still _alive_ after them."

"I guess the funny part is—you scamming me out of that Vault Key might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. Which may sound...weird."

"A little weird, yeah."

"At Hyperion I was just another insufferable asshole on his way to a life of warmongering and misery—no— _don't_ say anything—and I thought that was just who I had to _be_ to get what I wanted. But then Vaughn and I came to Pandora and met you and Sasha—well, when I say 'met'—"

"We didn't _actually_ throw you out of the caravan in the end."

"—yes, thanks for that—but then we met you and everything changed. Not for the better at first, granted. There was a lot of terror and almost dying and having many, _many_ guns pointed at us—"

"And the creepy parts."

"And _absolutely_ the creepy parts. But my point is, it all eventually got me here, where I don't have to be that awful person anymore—seriously, don't say anything—and I can run a business that actually _helps_ people. And—and more than all of that, I'm actually—I guess I'm actually _happy_ now in a way I don't think I ever could have been in that other life. And I know you really don't go in for this feelings stuff and I'm sorry, I'm almost done, but I just wanted to—to thank you, I guess. Because I couldn't have gotten here without you and I—want to acknowledge that. So...that's done."

"Wow, Rhys. When you get like this I can _almost_ see how you got dates in college."

"Ha, well, I did all right. But even on my best days a girl like you would have been way out of my league."

"You seem to be implying I'm not _still_ out of your league."

"Believe me, I _know_ you still are."

"Oh. Uh. I—"

"Amazing. Did I _actually_ manage to make the great Fiona speechless?"

"No, it's a frequent reaction when you open your mouth, Rhys."

"Ho ho, joke all you want, you're the one who married me anyway, remember?"

" _Technically_ married. You're still not getting laid no matter how nauseatingly sappy you get."

"Can't blame a guy for trying. But hey, look."

"What?"

"As of ten minutes ago, we have exactly six more months until the annulment."

"You programmed it into your calendar?"

"A businessman is nothing without meticulous organization, Fi."

"Oh, you'll always be _something_ , Rhys."

"Seriously, though, I never thought it'd last this long. I expected you to force me back to robo-planet months ago rather than waiting out the year."

"Not when I'm getting such a good cut from our deal. _Double_ the profit projections, you said?"

"Well—at least 50% more."

"Uh-huh. I think I'll be taking a look at those numbers on the way back. Speaking of, you about ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure, just—here, one more toast."

"I have like a gulp left in this."

"A gulp's enough. Come on."

"Okay, fine. What this time?"

"I propose a toast—to six more months until we never have to put up with each other ever again."

"I will absolutely drink to that."

"All right, we should probably head out, Fi."

"Yeah, I'd like to get back home before—oh shit."

"What?"

"I just dropped my bottle."

"Where?"

"Over the guardrail."

"Oh. Wow, that is a _long_ way down. I can't even see the ground level from here."

"You don't—you don't think it's going to kill anyone, is it?"

"I'm sure no one's out at this hour. I mean—probably."

"Maybe...we'd better leave before we find out. One arrest a day is about my limit."

"Which you doubtless know from experience."

"You knew the kind of woman you were marrying, Rhys."

"Yeah, but I thought you'd keep your felonies confined to one or two planets, max."

"Look, we can argue about this in the car, okay? I _really_ don't like how close those sirens are sounding."

* * *

  
"Rhys."

"Just a sec, let me put the autopilot on. Yeah?"

"I...have the ten million dollars."

"What?"

"The money from the Vault Key deal— _our_ Vault Key deal. It didn't blow up at the arena, Felix managed to switch the cash out beforehand and hid the real stuff in the caravan. He gave it to me and Sasha right before we fought the Vault Monster."

"You—you stole my ten million dollars _twice?_ "

"Was it even technically yours? You stole it from Hyperion first."

"That's beside the point!"

"I'm not sure it is."

"Wait—so that's how you've been financing all this Vault Hunting? And Sasha's backpacking around the galaxy?"

"We're mostly living off the interest from investments, but yeah."

"I can't believe— _six months_ and you never mentioned it? I've actually been _worried_ about how you were making ends meet."

"I've led a nervous life when it comes to money, Rhys. You're the first person to know besides Felix and Sasha, so don't tell me you know _none_ of my secrets now."

"Still. Wow. This...actually makes you much—much—richer than I am. I'm not sure how to feel about that."

"Well, what I'm sure of is if you even _think_ about getting any of that cash when we split up, I will seriously make you regret it."

"It's an annulment, Fiona, property division usually isn't part of—"

" _Seriously_."

"I—I wouldn't dream of it."


	7. Line for Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona discuss the finer points of holiday traditions.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Line for Line](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/line-for-line) )

* * *

  
"Rhys? You still down here?"

"Yeah, hang on—oh no—shit!"

"Oh. Hey."

"Hi."

"You, uh—kinda fell down there."

"Yes, I—I noticed. Did anything break?"

"No, it all looks fine."

"Do me a favor and grab that crate, will you? I'll get the other. This should be enough for—what is it?"

"Nothing, just looking around. So this is Helios's liquor stash, huh? It's...expansive."

"Yeah, well, turns out running an evil corporation on a space station full of assholes results in a whole lot of liquid coping."

"Not surprising. I'm actually kind of amazed this survived the crash."

"It's all titanium reinforced paneling. Which tells you a lot about where Hyperion's priorities lay."

"Also not surprising. Come on, we've been waiting for you upstairs at the party. Sasha finally sent me down on a rescue mission."

"For the alcohol, I'm sure, not me. Don't think I haven't noticed just how much your sister's been spiking the eggnog."

"She's never been one for subtlety."

"Yeah, one look at her gun collection will tell you that."

"Everyone needs a hobby. We can't all be workaholic corporate dictators."

"Oh yeah? And what would you say _your_ hobby is exactly, Fi?"

"Deflating the egos of workaholic corporate dictators."

"Funny. Hold on, I need to put this down for a second."

"Push-ups, Rhys. Even just like, ten a day would make a vast improvement."

"Thank you for that entirely unsolicited commentary on my physical fitness."

"I just call 'em like I see 'em."

"Oh, you call much more than that."

"Hey, what's that beeping sound?"

"Huh, I don't know. I think it's coming from—oh."

"What the hell is that?"

"It's...mistletoe."

"Mistle-what?"

"Mistletoe. It's an off-world plant that blooms in winter."

"I don't think plants usually beep, Rhys."

"This is one of the artificial ones we had on Helios. Someone must have found it and put it up for the holiday."

"I didn't know you guys celebrated Mercenary's Day."

"We didn't, exactly, it's just close to another big holiday on the Edens."

"So, what, it's just decoration? Why is it making that noise?"

"Well, there's kind of a tradition—"

"A mistlefinger tradition."

"—mistle _toe_ —where you hang it from the ceiling and if two people get caught under it—"

"Uh-huh."

"—well, uh, they have to—to kiss."

"They have to kiss?"

"That's—yeah, basically."

"And if they don't, it—what, it shoots them or something?"

"No, nothing happens if you _don't—_ "

"Then why the hell would anyone do it?"

"I don't know, for—for fun! Tradition. Holiday spirit and whatnot."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, we are the ones who invented finger gun battles, after all."

"Yeah, I'm still really glad I missed that part of the mission. Are you ready? This beeping's driving me nuts."

"Sure. Sure, we can just go, we don't have to—"

"No, we _really_ don't have to. I've been through enough of _that_ for one lifetime."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you suck at kissing, Rhys."

"That—that's _entirely_ untrue! I'm a _great_ kisser."

"Experience says otherwise."

"That's because you always take me by surprise! A little heads-up before you start _mauling_ me with your mouth might be nice for a change."

" _Mauling?_ This from the guy with a tongue that rivals a long-dead fish?"

"My tongue works just fine under normal circumstances. Better than fine. I could—I could make your toes curl, that's how fine it is."

"My _toes curl?_ Rhys, have you been reading romance novels again?"

"I—that—it doesn't matter!"

"You're right, your incredibly embarrassing taste in literature is your own affair."

"Look, forget it. Let's just get back upstairs and—what?"

"Running away?"

"Sorry?"

"I heard some big talk without a lot of action behind it, Rhys."

"Fiona—you don't mean—"

"I don't really know what I mean, but whatever. Well?"

"You're seriously—you're _daring_ me to kiss you?"

"What's the matter, Rhys? Worried you _can't_ prove me wrong?"

"No, I—I definitely can. I _absolutely_ can. Okay—yeah. Sure. Okay."

"...Rhys—"

"Fiona—"

"No—you don’t talk anymore—just shut up and—"

"Sh-shutting up—"  
  


* * *

  
"Rhys? Fiona? Did you guys get lost? Oh, hey, there you are."

"Vaughn, great, you can carry this one. I'm heading up."

"And—bye, Fiona? Weird. Rhys, did you find everything okay?"

"I—uh—it's—"

"Man, you are red as a _beet_. It can't be _that_ heavy. I told you, bro, just a few push-ups a day—"

"I've—I've actually heard that one today already."

"Oh. Okay, cool. Hey, what's that beeping?"

"Nothing. I don't hear anything. No beeping at all. Let's just—just get out of this stairwell as fast as humanly possible."

"Sure, we're about to start charades upstairs. You don't mind partnering with Fiona, right? Everyone else already paired off."

"Wh-what?"

"Great! Let's go."

* * *

  
"Oh my god now I remember why I haven't stayed up that late since college."

"Morning. Or, whatever."

"Oh, uh, Fiona. Hey."

"I'd stab a Lil' Psycho for a cup of coffee right now, did you make any?"

"Yeah, pot's over there."

"Thanks."

"So...pretty crazy party last night, huh?"

"Okay, I have way too bad a hangover right now to drag this out. We were drunk, we made out, it's fine."

"I—I didn't say anything!"

"You didn't have to. Just—just don't worry about it, okay? It's really no big deal."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, this kind of thing probably happens all the time with—with people who do the convenience-marriage...thing. I bet we won't even remember it in a couple days."

"Right. Glad we could clear that up. Now I need to get some food in me before I puke up about a gallon of eggnog."

"Well, that pretty thoroughly killed off any remaining awkwardness."

"I think something actually died in the back of my mouth. It's the only explanation."

"Here, Fi, sit down, I'll go grab you some toast."

"Thanks, Rhys. And, hey—"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let it go to your head, but—you're a _little_ better than I gave you credit for. Not much, I mean. But a little."

"Oh. I—thanks, Fiona, that—"

"Rhys. The toast."

"Right! Right, on it."


	8. Making Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona have a quiet evening in after work.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Making Conversation](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/making-conversation) )

* * *

  
"Fiona? Are you here already?"

"In your living room. Or, what passes for it in Atlas barracks."

"Oh, it's not so bad. I've got a couch, TV, even a cozy panic room."

"Yeah, I'm assuming you use that an average of three times a week."

" _Once_. Total, I mean. And that was just Gortys playing a joke, I—I don't like to talk about it. Where are the bots, anyway?"

"Recharging or something. I didn't want to disturb them and accidentally electrocute myself."

"It's more of a tingly feeling than—oh. Um. Nice—nice outfit."

"Oh yeah, I borrowed some of your pajamas. You don't mind, right?"

"No! No, it's—"

"I should probably keep a change of clothes here for when I have to crash. Wearing corporate merchandise like this kind of makes my skin crawl. Did you really have to order Atlas underwear too?"

"A-awesome, so you've been here long enough to rummage through _all_ my stuff."

"The Anshin president's husband dropped me off about an hour ago. Nice guy, if a little dim. Can you believe he's never seen a bandit race?"

"Yes. Yes, I actually can. Normal people don't tend to live on planets with death rallies."

"Normal's kind of a relative concept around here, Rhys. So how'd it go with your corporate douchebags?"

"Mostly just meetings. I think I've got something worked out with Pangolin to repurpose a lot of that Atlas machinery lying around Pandora. It's still early, but it—it looks promising."

"You mean like the mining equipment? Sasha and I used to play on that all the time as kids."

"That sounds...safe."

"There weren't exactly a lot of parks around Hollow Point growing up. So that was it, just meetings? I thought you guys were going to play a round of gurf after we left."

" _Golf_."

"Whatever. That is still just the dumbest game. How do you even cheat?"

"It's more about playing against yourself than other people, Fi."

"Where's the money in that?"

"Not everything is about—no, never mind, I forgot it actually _is_ for you. What'd you do all afternoon? I heard the Pangolin CEO's wife talking about some wine tour—"

"Oh, god, yeah, I shot _that_ down pretty quick."

"Really? I thought you liked drinking."

"Yes, Rhys, _drinking_. Wine is basically just flavored water."

"Hang on a sec, I'm going to get changed. You do realize you stole my favorite t-shirt."

"No, I actually didn't. Although yeah, to be fair, I still would have if I _had_ known."

"Great, Fiona, thanks."

"Anytime."

"...That's better. Want anything to eat? Think I've got some rations in the cupboard somewhere."

"I'm good, we had dinner at the range."

"The...range? Fiona, please tell me you mean the ranch kind of—"

"Nope. The gun kind."

"You took the corporate spouses _shooting?_ "

"We actually had a really good time. There's a _lot_ of bottled-up anger in that group."

"Okay, I have to ask—no one—no one died _,_ right? Some of these deals are still tentative and it probably won't go over too well if it turns out my wife got theirs _killed_."

"Relax, Rhys. Everyone had fun, a lot of targets got wasted, the day was a complete success."

"Huh. I—I can't say I ever would have thought of that. Even that one guy? I mean, I once thought Vaughn was meek, but _him_ —"

"Natural deadeye. If you're thinking of cheating Anshin in the future, don't."

"I'll...keep that in mind. So, did you pick up anything interesting?"

"A lot, actually, especially once we introduced booze into the equation. Not _one_ of those people could tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue, I couldn't believe it."

"Oh, you—you can? I haven't ever, uh, _seen_ you—"

"They may be sheltered but I did hear some things you might find interesting. I made some notes, we can go over them tomorrow."

"I gotta say, Fi, You're really amazing at this whole corporate schmoozing thing."

"Give me a second to decide whether or not to be offended at that."

"It's a _compliment_. I wasn't sure at first how well this whole fake—and real—real-fake—marriage thing would go over, but you seem to have charmed just about everyone in the industry. You're good at what you do, Fiona."

"Of course I am."

"And modest, too. Definitely a lot of humility going on here."

"Humility is for people who lose, Rhys. Oh, there was one thing I overheard—"

"What?"

"Do you know anything about an annual retreat on Dionysus? For all the warmongers to get together and presumably plan how they're going to ruin the galaxy better next year?"

"Yeah—yeah, I heard about that, too. I think it's happening in a few months. Sounds like a pretty major get together."

"See if you can score us an invite. With so many corporate assholes in one place, there's bound to be some secret meetings. If we play our cards right we could screw over the competition for years to come."

"Well, one thing I know about you is you  _always_ seem to play your cards right."

"What can I say? I'm a lucky gal."

"I don't think that's _entirely_ it."

"Okay, enough about work. I can only take so much sleaziness in one day. Want to watch a movie? I don't have to head out too early tomorrow."

"Sure. Let me go ask Gortys and LB if they want to join."

" _Not_ Cassius, though. Please. He always smells so much like—like weird-smelling plants. I didn't even know plants _had_ a smell, but then we met the crazy doctor, and, well, there it was."

"No, he doesn't even have access to this part of the facility, so—wait—wait a second. How'd you get in here before I got home? I updated the security protocols since last time, your biometrics aren't in the system yet."

"Sure, _mine_ aren't. But good ol' General Pollux on the other hand..."

"Oh. Oh come on, Fiona, don't tell me you still—"

"Of course. This thing's worth its weight in Eridium when it comes to hunting through old Atlas facilities for Vault tech."

"Oh my god no— _no_ —put that away, put it away _right now_ or I'm gonna—"

"You are such a wuss sometimes."

"That's—that's utterly revolting, you know that? How is not just a puddle of—ugh—goop by now?"

"I took it to Shade a while back. He did some preservation thing on it in exchange for hanging out with him for one—mildly disturbing—afternoon. Good as new."

"Good as—that is—that is absolutely not true. Not in any way."

"No, seriously, you should've seen it right after I— _schluck—_ with the spork. Way better now."

"I'm getting the robots. I'm getting the robots and I am hitting my head on something hard enough to forget this entire conversation."

"Good plan. Find some popcorn along the way too, will you?"


	9. Fancy Meeting You Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona spend some time apart, with dismaying consequences.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Fancy Meeting You Here](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/fancy-meeting-you-here) )

* * *

  
"So what else have you been up to, Gortys?"

 _"Oh,_ well _, Cassius found some schematics in the Atlas database that he thinks were old prototypes for my upgrades. If we can get the parts together then I could have legs back! Not having legs is fine, but having legs was pretty fun too!"_

"Aw, that sounds great. Keep me updated on what you figure out."

_"I will! But when are you coming back to visit, Fiona? We really miss you."_

"I'm sorry, Gortys, I've been busy. I'll try to make a trip up in the next couple weeks, okay?"

_"Oh, that would be great! It's been lonely here lately with Rhys gone so much."_

"What's _he_ up to? Is he working too hard again? I told you to mess up his files when that happens so he's forced to come back and sort everything out."

 _"I know, and I did, but it feels different this time. He's been going off-planet a_ lot _to meet this new lady friend and—"_

"Lady friend? What, like some new business partner? He didn't mention anything to me about that."

 _"I dunno! But he keeps putting on those hideous ties when he goes out and he's smiling all the time and_ really _distracted. The other day I said 'Hi, Rhys!' and he said 'Not now, LB', which was kinda weird."_

"That _—_ that does sound pretty weird. Weird even for Rhys, I mean."

 _"I wonder if we'll get to meet her? I love when he brings people to the facility! Rhys should open up a tourism office here. New friends_ and _profit!"_

"Yeah, that's a great idea, Gortys. Say, you wouldn't mind, I don't know, gathering info on this _—_ this new friend of his, would you?"

_"No, I wouldn't mind at all. But why?"_

"No reason, just...curious."

 _"Oh, I am too! Loader Bot and I are visiting Vaughn for a few days first, but when we get back I will_ definitely _learn everything there is to know about this mysterious lady. I really hope we like her as much as Rhys seems to."_

"I'm...sure we will. Listen, I should probably go. I'll come by after your trip to Helios, okay? Have fun trying out legs."

_"I will! Bye, Fiona!"_   
  


* * *

_  
"So then I told the guy, 'I can show you an even bigger gun if you don't get that hand off me right now' and oh my god, Fi, you should have seen his_ eyes _, they went huge!"_

"Please try not to get arrested, Sash. It's a little hard to bail you out on Aquator all the way from Pandora."

_"Stop worrying, Fiona. You taught me how to take care of myself, remember?"_

"I know, I know. The first time you took down a bounty hunter on your own—man, I was so proud."

_"So are you going to tell me the real reason you called?"_

"What do you mean?"

_"You know we hadn't planned on talking for another couple nights. Did something happen?"_

"Nothing happened, I just—I don't know, it feels a little lonely here tonight. I miss you a lot."

_"I miss you too, sis. Are Athena and Janey not around?"_

"They're out of town for some mechanics convention. Felix is still doing book research, August is...August, I don't really feel like dealing with the Hyperion whackos right now—"

_"What about Rhys?"_

"What—what about Rhys?"

_"It's only a few hours to the facility from Hollow Point. You guys have been spending a lot more time together since I left, right? I'm sure he'd be happy to see you."_

"Well, I mean—yeah, okay, we spend _some_ time together—'a lot' is kind of a specific term—"

_"Fiona? Everything all right?"_

"Fine. Everything's fine. I don't think Rhys is there right now anyway, he's been—he's been off-planet at lot."

_"Some hideously boring new business deal I'm going to hear all about next time I talk to him?"_

"Maybe. I guess. That's probably it. He's been having meetings with some woman and Gortys said it's been taking up all his time."

_"Ooh, really?"_

"What? Why'd you do the 'ooh really' thing in that—that tone? What's the big deal?"

 _"Because they're probably_ dates _, Fiona. Has he been wearing a tie?"_

"Apparently, yeah. So what?"

 _"Then they're_ definitely _dates. He'd never break out the ties again otherwise, not after we threatened to burn them all."_

"You think so? I don't know. Rhys, dating? Is he really the type?"

 _"What does type have to do with it? He's single, owns his own company, not_ terrible _on the eyes. I know you have your opinions, but he_ is _quite the eligible bachelor, Fi. You can't be surprised someone's finally showing interest."_

"...Oh my god."

_"What is it?"_

"You're right. I'm not surprised. I...probably should have seen this coming a while ago."

_"Are you okay? You're sounding a little weird."_

"I'm fine, Sash, just—I think I might actually go out for a while. Stretch my legs, get some fresh air. Fresh-ish."

_"Isn't it almost midnight there?"_

"That's the best time, the Psychos are all asleep. We'll talk again soon, okay? Have fun showing off your guns and don't get arrested."

_"Fiona, wait—"_

"Love you, Sash, bye!"  
  


* * *

  
"Look, I'm sorry about the mess, okay? But in my defense, you don't say something like that to a woman unless you're _looking_ to get stabbed. Are you really going to throw me out over this?"

"All right, you can stay. Just sit at the bar and don't talk to any of the other patrons."

"Fine by me. Can you top this up while you're here?"

"You pay at the end of the night. We don't keep tabs."

"I'm good for it, you don't have to give me the evil eye. I didn't even want to come here tonight, anyway. And, believe it or not, I didn't particularly want to stab anybody either. I just needed to—to get out of the house and think for a while."

"Yeah, I hear that one a lot."

"What, in Hollow Point? Thinking doesn't seem to be a common hobby around here."

"You think you're the only one with problems, lady?"

"I think I might be the only one with _this_ problem."

"That's what they all say."

"Yeah? Well, I highly doubt that anyone else—ugh, you know what, forget it. Keep 'em coming, all right?

"Got it."

"...Hey, bartender—person. You ever been married?"

"Once."

"How'd that work out for you?"

"Bad. She got crushed to death by a falling Quick Change Station."

"Oh. That...that sucks."

"It was a long time ago."

"Okay. Still, uh—sorry. But—but before that. Were you happy?"

"Happy enough."

"Because I mean, it was simple, right? You guys met, fell in love, got married, yadda yadda, everything happened the usual way."

"Sure."

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like if it _didn't_ happen the usual way? If it was much, much more complicated than that?"

"Nope."

"Well, trust me, you really lucked out there. Can I get another—"

"Here."

"Thanks. I honestly don't even know why I'm talking to you about this."

"I get paid either way, lady."

"This is all so—so—I wonder if I'm actually going crazy. You must get a lot of crazy people in your line of work, right?"

"Believe me, I see _way_ crazier than you every day."

"Somehow not that reassuring. Still, this is a lot better than I was about an hour and...four drinks ago?"

"Five."

"Are you sure? I feel like I should be _way_ more mellow after five."

"I'm sure."

"Okay, fine. But the thing is—if I'm _not_ crazy then that means—that means a whole bunch of stuff that I don't think I really want to accept, you know?"

"Uh-huh."

"If it had happened any _other_ way—a way besides the Vault, and the robots, and the corporations, and the mistlefinger—maybe I could figure it out. But like this? I don't know. _Could_ anyone accept this? Is it accept—acceptworthy? That doesn't sound right. I forget the word."

"'Acceptable.'"

"Right, that. I don't even know how this happened in the first place. I mean—him? He's almost entirely made up of leg. And shockingly weak. He can't use a gun and he lives on _Pandora_. He used to work for Hyperion, and I mean, I don't have to tell you how bad that is. It's  _bad_. Plus his face just does this— _thing_ —all the time. Whose face even does that?"

"No idea."

"And I mean, I could just ignore it—there's like a 99% chance I'm going to wake up tomorrow and _absolutely_ ignore it—but that doesn't change the fact that in a few months, everything's just going to—to go back to how it was, like it never happened. I don't know if that's accept—seriously, _how_ do I keep forgetting the end of that—"

"Still 'acceptable.'"

"—yeah, thanks. And if it wasn't bad enough, now this—this _floozy_ —I mean, I don't know that she's a floozy—but I also don't know she's _not_ —now she has to come in and—and complicate everything."

"Sounds like it."

"Maybe it really is just a business deal. I can't imagine he'd be so dumb as to—he's _probably_ not so dumb—I really hope he's not so dumb—I'm like, almost certain it's just business, because he couldn't possibly be that dumb. But even then, does it change anything? Does it—does it change what it's done to _me_ , right now? I—I don't know. What do you think?"

"I think I'm cutting you off."

"Oh come on, seriously? I'm barely drunk. Barely—extremely drunk."  
  


* * *

  
"My head hurts. So much. Why does it hurt so much. It never used to hurt this much. I don't think I have ever— _ow._ God, that is loud. Must be Sasha calling me back again after I ran off last night. Sash, stop worrying, everything's—oh crap."

_"Hey, Fiona, I just wanted to—wow, you look awful."_

"Thanks, Rhys. Really what I needed to hear right now."

_"Are you sick? Is there some Psycho-cold going around or something?"_

"I am sick beyond the ability to _describe_ , Rhys. Hang on, I'm just going to go dunk my entire head in a bucket of ice water. Keep talking."

_"Uh—okay. Anyway, I caught Gortys before she left this morning and she mentioned you were planning a trip up here soon?"_

"Maybe. I was thinking about it. I don't know. I've got a lot on my plate. People to see, things to do, Vaults to plunder—"

 _"You've plundered exactly_ one _Vault and I was right there with you."_

"I've got a few leads!"

_"Well, if you are coming up, I have a favor to ask. The depot at Sanctuary is getting some artifacts in from Eden-5 next week and it'd be great if you could pick them up on your way here."_

"Don't you have couriers for this kind of thing? _Shit,_ that's cold."

 _"Usually, but the cost of bandit insurance has skyrocketed lately. Whose idea was it to make a planetary holiday celebrating armed robbery?_ Another _one, I mean._ "

"Sometimes you've got to spend money to make money, Rhys."

_"Yeah, I've never heard anyone say that who actually understood what it meant."_

"I'll see what I can do, okay? Can't you just go yourself? Are you too...busy...or something?"

 _"Really busy, I'm in the middle of—hang on—okay—okay—look, Fi, I've gotta run, I'll tell you all about it when you get here. Check your ECHOmail later for details on the pickup. And please_ read _it this time, and not just the subject line."_

"What was unclear about 'Need skag help', I brought you _loads_ of specimens—he hung up on me. Okay. That's just—okay. There are so many things wrong with that I'm not sure where to _start_. At least...not until I dunk my head about twelve more times. _Ugh_."


	10. I'm Not Scared At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona have an adventure that _no one_ really has the patience for.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [I'm Not Scared At All](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/im-not-scared-at-all) )

* * *

  
"Getting a little low on gas. I should probably fill up when I get to—oh come on, seriously? Hey assholes, you're blocking the road!"

"Yeah! We know! Get out of the car!"

"Oh my god, I _really_ didn't need this today. Hold your spiderants, I'm getting out."

"Without the gun!"

"Obviously without the gun. Have you ever done this before?"

"That's—that's not relevant!"

"Okay. Okay, look, bandit guys. And—girl. Hi. You seem to be new to this, so I'm gonna level with you—this is really not worth your time. My car's a piece of junk and I've only got fifty bucks in my wallet. Just let me go and you'll have plenty of time to set things back up for the next idiot to come along. I'm _sure_ he'll have more to steal than me."

"That's not what we're here for. Are you Fiona?"

"Who's asking?"

"Well—me. Us. Bandits! Bandits are asking."

"Uh-huh. All right, so I have a question for you in return. If I _was_ Fiona, what makes you think I'd tell you?"

"There are six guns pointed at you right now."

"I noticed. Tediore pistols, right? Not the first choice of most bandits groups. Or, well, _any_ that want to last more than a day."

"Are you—are you threatening me right now?"

"Just making smalltalk."

"Well, don't! What's your name?"

"Libia. Libia Strauss."

"You're lying. That's not even a real name!"

"My parents will be crushed to hear that."

"Hey, boss! Car registration says it's her!"

"Shit. _Why_ did I let him talk me into doing that the legal way?"

"Good. Tie her up and get her in the truck. Don't even think about trying anything or you'll regret it."

"Believe me, I'm regretting a lot of things right now."

"We're also putting this hood on so you can't see where you're going. Because this is a kidnapping and—"

"Yeah, you really don't have to telegraph every single thing you do."

"Shut—shut up!"

"Okay, okay, I know the drill. Let's just get this over with."  


* * *

  
"Gortys! My main...little robot. How are you doing? How was your trip to Helios?"

"Hi, Rhys! I'm doing very well, thank you. Vaughn taught us three new ways to skin a skag!"

"That...that sounds disgusting."

"Only moderately! The trip was fun but it's great to be back home. My circuitry's all fired up and I'm ready to face the day fighting. Pow pow!"

"That's great, Gortys. I like the enthusiasm. Well, I should probably get back to my office, we'll talk more later about—"

"Oh, that's right! I didn't have a chance before I left, but now I'd like to ask you at least one question and possibly several follow-ups, Rhys."

"Yeah? About what?"

"Are you still spending a lot of time with that new lady friend? The one you put on those awful ties for?"

"Come on, I don't—what does everyone on this planet have against ties? Did _they_ somehow ruin Pandora too?"

"We're your friends, Rhys, and friends tell each other when they're making a big mistake."

"Thanks, I—I really appreciate that. Anyway, what about that woman?"

"I would like to know _everything_ about that woman!"

"What—everything?"

"Yeah!"

"She's just a business partner, Gortys. _I_ don't know everything about her."

"Oh, really? Are you guys making some super top secret deal?"

"Well, actually—okay, I didn't want to talk about it before because we were still working out the details, but—"

"Don't worry, Rhys, my speakers are sealed. They'd have to disassemble me circuit by circuit to drag this out of me!"

"I—thanks, Gortys. Not—not really necessary, but thanks. So this woman's actually head of a biological research foundation that's _very_ interested in the work Atlas was doing on all these plants."

"And who wouldn't be?"

"R-right. Exactly. I think we've finally come to an agreement where her foundation will mass-produce specimens for Atlas to sell, in exchange for databank access and a—significantly smaller than originally requested, thanks to my excellent negotiating tactics—cut of the profits. This could finally be our big break, Gortys! Awesome, right?"

"Absolutely awesome!"

"We have one more meeting set up next week to sign the contract then it's as good as done."

"That's some of the best news I've heard so far this hour, Rhys. Congratulations!"

"Thanks! I couldn't have done it without you and LB. You're very—very supportive robots."

"And _you_ are very welcome for that. So is this not actually a secret anymore, Rhys?"

"It wasn't really a _secret_ in the first place, I just didn't want to—no, Gortys, it's not a secret."

"Oh, good! I can't wait to tell Fiona all about it."

"Fiona? Why? I was going to tell her when she got here anyway."

"Well, she is the one who asked me to look into this in the first place, after _I_ told _her_ about the lady and the ties and you being gone all the time."

"She...did?"

"Yeah! It was like some sneaky spy mission and everything. Wait. Do you think I wasn't supposed to tell you?"

"I—I don't know."

"Oops. I may have to apologize later. Anyway, I should let you get back to work, Rhys!"

"Hold up—when she asked you this, was she—how did she look? Was she serious? Frowning? Which frown was it, she has a _lot_ of different kinds—"

"You do know it's hard to show you when I've only got the one frown in my database."

"Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right. Well, thanks anyway, Gortys. I should go back to—to doing the things that I do...around here."

"As should we all. Bye, Rhys!"  
  


* * *

  
"Look, we're obviously at...wherever we are now, so would you mind, you know, with the hood? I can barely breathe in here."

"Fine. But as soon as you act up, it's going back on."

"Finally, ugh. Did you drag that thing out of a dumpster?"

"That's not your concern."

"Clearly. Nice cave you got here. I like the decor. Very...bandit-chic."

"Keep quiet until the boss shows up."

"Right. Okay. Let me know when that is. I'm going to close my eyes for a bit."

"...So you must be Fiona."

"The boss, I take it."

"That's right. I've heard a lot about you. Con Artist. Thief. Extortionist. Forger—"

"If you're thinking of collecting a bounty, don't bother. Most of them are expired by now. I got out of the grifting business a while back."

"Yes, you're calling yourself a Vault Hunter these days, aren't you? Just like every other fool on Pandora."

"Well, I have opened _one_ Vault. That's one more than most people get to boast about. Alive, anyway."

"It's not the Vault that interests me so much as what happened afterward. What led you to your most important descriptor of all: the Atlas CEO's wife."

"Is...that my most important descriptor? I'd personally rank that one somewhere near the bottom."

"It's important because you're going to help me, Fiona. Help me take back what's mine."

"All right, can I be honest with you? This cryptic, taking-forever-to-get-to-the-point thing isn't really working for me. Why don't you just tell me who you are and why you kidnapped me and save us all some time?"

"Fine, I'll cut to the chase. Who I am now doesn't matter so much as who I _was_. I used to own Atlas. It used to be my _life_ , until the machinations of Handsome Jack—"

"I'm sorry, the what?"

"The—the machinations."

"You're sure that's a word?"

"It's a word! Stop interrupting. Until the _evil scheming_ of Handsome Jack tore it from me and brought me to this ruined state."

"Yeah, he was pretty good at the whole...tearing and ruining thing."

"But now Jack is gone and Atlas fell out of his grasp again—right into the hands of your husband."

"And now that he's starting to make money, you want to use me as leverage to get Atlas back and reap the rewards of all the work he's done."

"Well—yes. I was actually still building up to that part—"

"Yeah, don't worry, I think everyone saw it coming. Why do you even want Atlas back? There must be easier corporations to steal instead, since that's apparently the usual way of taking over one."

"Atlas was mine and I _know_ it, like the back of my own hand. Now that Hyperion is out of the picture, I can claw my way back to the top of the weapons and manufacturing industry and—"

"Rhys doesn't deal in weapons."

"What?"

"Guns and bombs and whatnot? Not really his thing. He's actually more focused on plants."

"Plants?"

"Yup."

"Who runs a business on Pandora and deals in _plants?_ "

"I've had that conversation with him a few times, trust me."

"This is—I wasn't expecting this."

"Not expecting this...to the point where I'm now useless to you and you should just let me go?"

"No."

"Ah well, can't blame a girl for trying."

"Right now you're going to record a ransom video and we'll get that sent off to your husband. I'll—I'll figure out the plant thing later."

"Let me know if you do, because _I_ haven't really gotten anywhere with it."  
  


* * *

  
"It's—it's probably nothing. There's no reason she would be—no, definitely not. I'm just making a big thing out of this—this much, much less big thing. Maybe she's finally taking an interest in more than just her percentage of the profits. Maybe she wanted to give Gortys a project to...to bolster her self-confidence. Maybe—oh, new message. I don't recognize the sender, but there's an attachment—"  
  


* * *

_  
"So what do you want me to say?"_

_"Just read off the sheet of paper."_

_"I can't see it from there. Can you bring it a little—all right, that's good. 'A message to the CEO of Atlas, with dire implications for your future. As you can see, your wife is currently in our possession.' Wait, should I be talking about myself in the third person? It sounds a little weird."_

_"Read it_ without _the commentary."_

_"Fine. 'If you ever want to see her alive again, prepare to transfer all deeds and holdings for Atlas Corp. over to a soon-to-be-specified third party, at a soon-to-be-specified time.' I dunno, do you think that's vague enough?"_

_"I said—"_

_"I heard you. 'Failure to divest yourself of all rights to Atlas will result in the termination of your wife and...ruination of your life's work?' Okay, seriously, which one of you wrote this? It's terrible. I could have given you some pointers if you'd—"_

_"Shut up! I mean—don't shut up, just finish reading."_

_"'Wait for followup messages and tell no one about this. You know what's at stake.' There, I'm done. Happy?"_

_"Good. Shut off the camera and—"_

_"Hold up. Can I just say one thing to him? You can edit it out afterward if you think it's too disruptive to your diabolical plan."_

_"One thing. Make it quick."_

_"Okay. Rhys? You can't find me. Just like when we got scammed on the Vault Key, there's no way you can locate me, so don't even try. Give up and do what they say and it'll all work out."_

_"Are you done?"_

_"I'm done. Hey, could I get a drink? All this talking—"  
_

* * *

  
"Fiona—oh my god— _Fiona_ —I need to—"

"Reporting for duty."

"Loader Bot! Oh, I have never needed you more than at this moment, buddy. I can't believe—Fiona—"

"Extreme stress levels detected. What is the situation?"

"I—I can't tell you the situation. But it's bad, it's really, really, _really_ bad, and if I don't figure out what to do, then—then Fiona's in big trouble."

"Do not worry. We will fix it. Commands?"

"Commands—commands—I don't know! The safest thing to do would be to wait until the next message, but—but if they hurt her anyway—I don't know what I'll—"

"Analysis complete. I am at 95% certainty we are dealing with a standard ransom situation. Comply or attempt rescue?"

"I don't even know _how_ we could attempt a rescue when—wait—she said—the Vault Key scam—that's it! LB, I need every map of Pandora you can get your hands on."

"Downloading cartological information. What is to be analyzed?"

"I need you to compare the map data with a geo-trace algorithm I'm going to be running. Get the car, we can interface along the way."

"Affirmative."

"Fiona, just—just hang on."

"We will find her. We will make them pay."

"Thanks, LB. I—I really needed to hear that right now."  
  


* * *

  
"It was you, wasn't it?"

"What was?"

"Back during that fake Vault Key deal. You were the one who tipped the police off about us."

"You're right. I thought I could get at Atlas through more indirect methods at first, which obviously failed. But then I found out about you, and a much more interesting plan started to take shape."

"I've never been that fond of ransoming. Desperate people do stupid things, and there's a whole lot of both desperate _and_ stupid on Pandora."

"Let's hope your husband is neither."

"I...don't know. You don't really know him like I do."

"Either way we'll find out in a few more hours when I send off the next message."

"Yeah. Yeah, good luck with that. Hey, I have a question."

"Yes?"

"What's your contingency plan if he _doesn't_ give up Atlas?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're just assuming I'm important enough for him to sign everything away to get me back. How do you know we're not on the cusp of divorce or something? He might even have been planning my assassination _himself_ the past few months."

"I've done my research. A number of old contacts filled me in on the recent social appearances of the enamored Atlas CEO and his adoring wife. It was more than a little nauseating, if I'm being honest."

"Oh. We did that good a job, huh."

"What?"

"Nothing. Well, I think we've about exhausted this conversation, and I'm sure you have plenty of other blackmails and extortions to take care of."

"I do, actually. I'll be back in two hours for the next message."

"Can't wait. You don't mind if I improvise some of it next time, right? Because you _clearly_ need a good editor."  
  


* * *

  
"They're really this close to Sanctuary? Are you sure, Loader Bot?"

"I am sure. The proximity to the Crimson Raiders is risky but also calculated, as no other bandit groups are currently operating in the area."

"Makes sense, I guess. So how should we do this? Try the sneaky approach or go in guns blazing?"

"You are not permitted to have a gun."

"Oh, come on—you too, LB? You—you shouldn't even be telling me what to do in the first place, I'm your boss!"

"Right is right."  
  


* * *

  
"Ugh. _Ugh_. Hey, guard, can I have a drink or something? I'm not feeling too great."

"No talking!"

"Seriously, though, something doesn't feel right—I don't know what's—oh no. Oh shit. Holy crap."

"What?"

"My water just broke."

"You're—you're not pregnant."

"I'm sorry, are you a doctor?"

"I saw you standing up earlier!"

"I'm one of those women who doesn't really show until the very end—runs in the family. Which still doesn't change the fact that my water broke and there's a _baby_ coming right now, you idiot!"

"I—I don't think—"

" _Ow_. Oh my god, that was a contraction. _Ow—_ and another. Shit, this is moving along much quicker than my doula said it would."

"Look, if this is some kind of trick—"

"Who the hell would make this up? If you don't want to be delivering this baby yourself, kid, you'd better go get some help."

"Okay. Okay, I'll be back in just a—"

"Wait, first, can you help me lie down? I think it slows down the contractions if you do that early on. _Ow_ —shit—they are getting _way_ too close together."

"I—I guess I can do that. How do you want me to— _ack!_ "

"Moron. Now where did they put my hat?"  
  


* * *

  
"Loader Bot, I'm _really_ not sure this frontal assault was one of our better ideas!"

"Situation critical but recoverable. Keep stunning bandits."

"God, how many of these guys _are_ there? Can you at least narrow down where they might be keeping Fiona?"

"Likely locations are all concentrated at the back of the cave system."

"So _through_ the enormous mass of bandits."

"Correct."

"Okay, well—well maybe we should back up a bit and regroup so our—gah! Don't even try to sneak up on me, you dirty—"

"Rhys! Watch where you're pointing that thing."

" _Fiona!_ Oh my god, are you okay?"

"I was, until some idiot apparently decided a frontal assault was the best way to break into a cave full of bandits."

"We didn't have a lot of options!"

"When you say 'we', you're including who exactly?"

"Just—just me and Loader Bot."

"Great. So it's me, a guy without a gun, and one robot against an entire _army_ of assholes who want to kill us."

"Oh, no, Fiona, you don't have to thank me for coming to rescue you, the pleasure was all mine!"

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful, Rhys, but can we talk about it _after_ we get out of here? Preferably in one piece?"

"Okay, fine, I guess you have a point. Ideas?"

"We're vastly outnumbered here and the only way out is back through that entrance. We're just going to have to make a run for it. Loader Bot, can you cover us?"

"Can do."

"Once we're ready I'll throw a flashbang grenade—that might buy us a few more seconds."

" _Again?_ When has one of those ever made a plan of yours better, Fiona?"

"I don't see you brimming over with brilliant ideas!"

"I'm sorry, I'm a little too busy trying to stay _alive_ at the moment to strategize."

"Give me a second to reload and then we'll give it a shot. You just _had_ to take the deed to the company with the crazy ex-owner holding a grudge, didn't you?"

"They're all like that!"

"Okay. I'm ready. You good to go?"

"Not in any way. But, sure, let's do this. What's the worst that could happen, right?"

"Odds of survival approximately—"

" _Not_ now, LB."

"On my signal—go!"

" _Ow_ my eyes, why do I never think to cover my eyes—"

"Stick together, Rhys! And stop zigzagging, I told you it doesn't work like that!"

"Well, I'm still alive so far!"

"Yeah, that's _against_ the odds!"

"Bandit line breaking. Odds of survival rapidly rising."

"Ha-ha! That's what I want to hear! You are my favorite robot, LB!"

"And you are among my preferred humans."

"Wait, _among?_ Who else is—"

"Seriously? Can we do this another time, guys?"

"Fiona, look, we're almost through! It actually worked, I can't believe it actually _worked_ —"

"We can celebrate later! Just keep— _ugh!"_

"C'mon, LB, pick up the pace so we can—Fiona? She was right next to me, where did she—"

"Behind us."

"Fiona? Oh my god, _Fiona!_ "  
  


* * *

  
"No no no no no, you can't do this to me, you absolutely _cannot_ do this to me, please don't— _please_ —"

"Estimated time of arrival to Sanctuary: ten minutes, thirty-four seconds."

"Make it faster! She's—she's bleeding out, I don't know how to make it _stop—_ "

"Rhys...stop panicking..."

"No, Fi, don't—don't talk, it's going to be all right, I'll make it right, just keep quiet, okay?"

"Never thought... _you'd_ be saying that...to _me_..."

"I—I never thought a lot of things—but please don't talk, please just—just stay with me. Please, stay with me."

"If I was gonna leave you I'd...I'd have..."

"Fiona? _Fiona_ —"  
  


* * *

  
"... _Ow_. Moving that was...was probably not a good idea. Being _awake_ is probably not a good idea. How did I even—oh. Guess he must've...huh. Nice job, Rhys."

"Mmph."

"He looks exhausted. Although, obviously not so exhausted he couldn't drool all over my blanket. Idiot."

"...Stop...stop messing with my hair...seriously, I'm gonna—wait, where did— _Fiona!_ "

"Easy—easy there. Bullet wound, remember."

"Sorry, I'm so sorry, I just can't believe—are you okay? How do you feel?"

"Like absolute shit. Wouldn't recommend a gutshot, if you're curious."

"I—I wasn't planning on trying it out. Oh my god, Fiona, I was so _worried_ , I didn't think—I wasn't sure if you were going to make it for a while there."

"I grew up on Pandora, Rhys. You think a bullet from some crappy Tediore gun's going to kill me?"

"I don't really know the difference, so—god, it's just—it's amazing to talk to you right now."

"Well, I don't think I'm going anywhere fast, so you can talk away for once. Where are we?"

"Sanctuary. We brought you to a Dr. Zed's clinic, he's the one who patched you up."

"I've heard of that guy. I'm not sure he's actually a real doctor."

"I'm not sure _anyone_ on this planet is. But he saved your life, so I am definitely not complaining."

"Yeah, well, I still might. How bad was it?"

"Pretty—pretty bad. Even with the health vials you're going to be recovering for a few weeks."

"Ugh, I _hate_ bedrest. It always takes me a month of practice to be able to outrun a Psycho again afterward."

"That's...not usually the reason people hate bedrest."

"It is here. Where's Loader Bot, anyway?"

"Waiting in the car. He's probably on the ECHOcomm, he said he'd take care of telling everybody what happened."

"Passing the buck on calling Sasha, huh? I don't blame you. She may _actually_ kill you for this. Might as well enjoy your last few hours."

"Well, she has to travel all the way from Aquator, so I think I can get a good head start. Just—god, Fiona, I can't believe—"

"Come on, Rhys, you didn't think you could get rid of me that easily, did you?"

"I didn't—I didn't know what to think."

"I hope you didn't wear a hole in the good doctor's floor while you were waiting."

"No, I actually _couldn't_ wait here. When I was outside some Crimson Raiders came by and 'invited' me up to see Lilith. She was apparently curious as to whether Atlas's CEO had anything to do with the explosions just outside of town."

"Which, to be fair, you did."

"Yeah, but it sounds all wrong when you say it like that! I explained what happened—not at gunpoint, but not _not_ at gunpoint—and she said she'd send some Raiders down to clean up the rest of the camp. Then I, uh, got out of there pretty fast."

"I definitely believe that part."

"Scary woman. _Weird_ , but—but scary too."

"I guess that'll be the end of crazy ex-Atlas asshole. The Crimson Raiders know what they're doing."

"Lilith offered to send the head along to the facility once they were done—for a fee—but I politely declined."

"Not surprising from the guy who can't even stomach an Atlas eyeball."

"Fiona, I know you just got shot, but—but can we _please_ not talk about that. Ever again."

"Fine. But only because it's starting to get all woozy in here."

"Oh! Oh, of course, you should definitely rest some more, I didn't mean to keep you up—"

"It's all right, Rhys. Go check on Loader Bot and make sure my sister isn't freaking out too badly."

"I will. And, Fiona, I'm—I'm glad you're okay. _Really,_ really glad. When I thought something might have happened to you because—because of what I—"

"Don't fall apart on me now, Rhys. The drool marks are bad enough without adding in tears and snot too."

"R-right. Good point. Get some rest, Fi."

"Hey—Rhys?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For, you know."

"...Yeah."


	11. Survival of the Fittest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona get by with a little help from their friends.
> 
> ( Voice Clip Inspiration: [Survival of the Fittest](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/survival-of-the-fittest) )

* * *

  
"Rhys? I didn't know you were coming to Helios. What are you doing here so late?"

"Vaughn, I—can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course. Wow, you look terrible, bro. What's going on?"

"I...I think I've made a huge mistake."

"Oh. Okay. Is this the coffee-first kind of mistake or the get-right-to-the-drinking kind?"

"Let's start with coffee. We can always switch it up later."

"Works for me."

"...That's great, man, thanks."

"Sure. How's Fiona doing, anyway? I've been meaning to go visit again but sorting out these bandit internships is taking up all my time lately."

"She's—she's good. Sasha and Felix have been helping out a lot and apparently she's walking around on her own again now."

"Wait, 'apparently'? When was the last time you saw her?"

"About...two weeks ago."

"Two _weeks?_ "

"Yeah."

"Rhys?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do I get the feeling this 'huge mistake' has something to do with Fiona?"

"Honestly, Vaughn, when have I ever made one that _didn't_ have to do with a girl?"

"I don't know, are we counting all the Vault Key—"

"That was rhetorical."

"Oh. Right. So what happened?"

"Do you want the short version or the long one? Although—I guess the only real difference will be how much I talk about robots."

"Let's do long. It's been ages since we stayed up all night fixing your problems with women."

"Right? I'd be feeling pretty nostalgic right now if it weren't for, you know, the horrible gnawing void inside my stomach."

"Naturally. More coffee?"

"Yeah, please. Okay, I guess it all started after we opened the Vault of the Traveler..."  
  


* * *

  
"Wow."

"Yeah."

"I mean, wow."

"I hear you."

"I guess...would it be inappropriate to offer a belated 'congratulations'?"

"Maybe. But thanks anyway, man."

"Sure. So all that and then the ransom and Fiona getting shot—that's some heavy stuff."

"You're telling me."

"She doesn't blame you for it, does she? That doesn't seem like Fiona. I mean, it totally _does_ , just—not in this particular situation."

"I don't think so. You know what it's like here, Vaughn. Getting shot by a bandit is like—like stubbing your toe on a Tuesday."

"Still—you know it wasn't your fault, right? You know better than anyone the kinds of whackjobs that make it to the top of the corporate ladder."

"I _know_ that. It just—it still doesn't change the fact that she almost died, and—I don't know. It is what it is."

"I guess so. Man. What a...a thing."

"Sure is."

"...Hey, Rhys?"

"Yeah?"

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

"I—I don't know. It's all so complicated what with the fake marriage—and real marriage—and the stuff we've been through and sorting out all these different feelings—"

"Yeah, of course, that makes perfect—"

"—I am so completely in love with her oh my _god_ Vaughn I'm so screwed."

"I'm assuming you haven't told her that."

"Would _you_ tell your wife-in-name-only-who's-always-one-bad-mood-away-from-punching-you-in-the-neck?"

"I see your point. So what now?"

"Now, I—I think I know what I need to do. I guess I just had to, I don't know—tell someone about all this before I could do it."

"Rhys?"

"Yeah?"

"What you're planning to do—it's going to seriously piss Fiona off, isn't it?"

"Probably."

"I figured. Word of advice, man—you might want to take care of it _before_ she's able to chase you down and shoot you."

"You know I wouldn't do it any other way, Vaughn."

"Okay. Great. You feel like getting to the drinking part of the night now, bro?"

"Bro, I _absolutely_ feel like getting to the drinking part of the night."  
  


* * *

  
"Hey, Fi. Have a good rest?"

"Yeah, thanks. God, I hate having to lie down this much. I need to get out and _do_ , Sash. Do _things_."

"You're getting better all the time, I'm sure it's not for much longer. Feel like a sandwich?"

"Sure. At least one bonus of the getting-shot thing is having you around to cook again."

"It's your own fault you never learned. What do you even eat when I'm gone?"

"I mooch off Athena and Janey a lot, honestly."

"That would explain it. Oh, Rhys stopped by while you were asleep."

"He did? And he didn't...stick around?"

"No, he said he had to get back for a meeting. I know better than to ask. He dropped off a few papers for you, though, some work thing."

"Oh. All right, then."

"I'm kinda surprised he's not over here more. After the way he was freaking out when you got shot I thought he'd be driving us all crazy with his fussing."

"Yeah. Me too, actually."

"Have a seat, it'll be ready in a minute. Coffee?"

"You know you don't have to ask. Grab that packet while you're at it, might as well see what Rhys wants. We were planning to start excavating the Old Haven facility next month so he's probably looking for some—"

"Fiona? What the hell is this?"

"What the hell is what, Sasha?"

"'C-487 Form for Dissolution of _Marriage_ '?"

"Wait, what? Give me that."

"Oh, look, he left a note, too. 'Fi—All I need is your signature and I'll make the trip myself. I've already cancelled our other engagements.' Well, that certainly clears up all _my_ questions!"

"Why that lowdown, cowardly—he _meant_ to leave this while I was asleep! The next time I see him, I swear to god I'm gonna—"

" _Fiona!_ "

"Oh. Right. You—you probably want some sort of explanation."

" _Probably?_ "

"It's...actually a little complicated, Sash."

"Okay, so how about this for un-complicating it—are you and Rhys _married?_ "

"Well—technically."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means it's in name only! Just a—marriage of convenience."

"Yeah, which you _conveniently_ neglected to tell your own sister about. When did this happen?"

"Almost—almost eleven months ago now."

"Oh my _god_ , Fiona."

"You're making this into a bigger thing than it is, okay? We had problems getting home after we were teleported by the Vault, we got married to fix them, everything worked out. It wasn't anything more than that."

"Okay, so if I accept that incredibly unsatisfying explanation—and that's a big 'if', Fiona—why are you apparently _still_ married?"

"Well, that's the complicated part. There's a lot of stuff about robots, and it's—it's hard to explain."

"Oh, we've got time. Sit your butt down, Fi, and start talking."

"All right, fine, but—can I at least get the sandwich first?"  
  


* * *

  
"Let me see if I've got it now—you and Rhys got married and didn't tell anyone, you decided to start _acting_ married to help him make friends with some of the biggest scumbags in the galaxy, and you got shot because some corporate nutjob saw all this and was somehow under the _crazy_ impression that you were actually, you know, married."

"I don't know if I'd use quite that much sarcasm, but yeah. Basically."

"I gotta say, Fi, we've pulled off some pretty weird cons in our lives, but this one might just take the prize."

"Even counting the robot stripping job?"

"Oh, right. I forgot about that one."

"I don't think _I_ ever can. I've never looked at wrenches the same way again."

"Stop trying to change the subject. You do know I'm still super pissed at you, right?"

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Sash. We just...thought it'd be easier on everyone not to."

"Ignorance _is_ bliss, I guess. Just—one question, Fi."

"What?"

"You're not—you're not sleeping with him, are you?"

"Of course not."

"Okay. Okay, good. At least you still have enough sense left for _that_."

"Yeah. Sure."

"So why were you so mad about this form? One month sooner or later, what's the difference?"

"There isn't really a difference, I just—we were planning this big undercover job next month, a chance to _really_ screw over the corporate assholes in the industry, and I guess I wanted to—to see it through. Rhys apparently has other ideas."

"He's probably feeling really guilty about all this, Fiona. You almost died."

"I know that. But it's still no excuse to just dump this on me without a word. God, he's such an ass."

"Well, maybe he needs a reminder of how we usually deal with conflict on Pandora."

"Head-on and involving at least one bullet?"

"Exactly."

"That's as good an incentive as any to finish healing up. And in the meantime—maybe one more sandwich?"

"Bread, cheese, egg, Fiona. Really not that hard."

"I was _shot_ , Sasha. Come on."

"Fine. God, you're as bad as he is sometimes, no wonder you got married."

"Ugh, seriously? There are some things even sisters shouldn't say, Sash."  
  


* * *

  
"Permit, permit, bribe, permit—now where did I put—I must have left it in my office. Aha! Here it is—"

"Rhys."

" _Ack!_ Oh my god—Fiona? Don't _do_ that, I nearly had a heart attack."

"Yeah, but I assume that also happens when you see a particularly large bee nearby."

"That—that's not the point. What are you doing here? In—my office. In the dark. Alone."

"I figured the element of surprise was the best way to make sure you didn't come up with yet another ridiculous excuse not to see me."

"Those weren't _excuses._ I really did have an emergency high school reunion back on Eden—"

"Cut the crap, Rhys."

"I—okay."

"I think we've known each other a little too long to play the avoiding game. Are you ready to be an adult about this?"

"Adult...ish."

"What the hell were you thinking dumping this form on me and running off? _Aside_ from the fact that my sister saw it and I had to have a very uncomfortable conversation about why I'd been lying to her."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Fiona, I never thought—"

"Yeah, that's pretty clear."

"Will you let me talk? I just thought—the biggest obstacle to getting the annulment was always the trip back to robot planet, so I figured if I just went myself, you wouldn't have to worry about it, and then...then it'd finally be over with."

"And you decided this all by yourself."

"Well—yes! You were still recovering and I—I didn't want to bother you about any of it."

"Skagshit. We're supposed to be partners, Rhys. You should've talked to me. You should've come to see me _once_ since I got back to Hollow Point."

"I know, okay? I'm sorry. I don't have any excuses—any _real_ excuses. I guess I was just—a little freaked out by all this."

"You think I wouldn't have understood that? _Everything_ freaks you out, Rhys. You're the most easily scared person I've ever met."

"Well, it's reassuring to see you're feeling well enough to start puncturing my ego again."

"Oh, I'm just getting started. But as for the rest of it—I'm not signing the damn form, Rhys."

"Wh-what? Why?"

"We still have one more job to do, remember? I'm not throwing away all that work we've put into it. One way or another, we _will_ see this through."

"Fiona—I just don't know if I can—"

"Of course you can. We're good at this, Rhys, and we're not giving up just because of some minor setback."

" _Minor?_ I—you nearly got _killed_ because of what you are to—what people think we are to each other!"

"This is Pandora, Rhys. I nearly get killed looking at a Psycho funny or driving too close to a Rakk Hive."

"It's _still_ so very, very stupid how dangerous this planet is."

"We can forget all the other trips and meetings if you want—doesn't make much sense to keep them going after the annulment, anyway. But let's just finish this one up, okay? One last job as the slimeball corporate power couple before we call it quits. What do you say?"

"Okay. Okay, one last job."

"Good. Then we can take our rings and, I don't know, melt them down for bullet casings or something."

"Still sounds pretty romantic for Pandora, Fi."

"God, you're right. I'll have to come up with something else. In the meantime, come on—we've got a heist to plan."


	12. The Heroes of this Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Rhys and Fiona wing it.
> 
> (Voice Clip Inspiration: [The Heroes of this Story](https://soundcloud.com/user-628933652/the-heroes-of-this-story) )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endless thanks to gatheringbones for encouraging/bullying me into posting this after months of my tossing dialogue snippets at her, and my husband for putting up with more hours of listening to _Tales from the Borderlands_ sound clips than any person should ever have to.

* * *

  
"Fiona! When did you get in?"

"A few minutes ago. I got held up at the door by Gortys showing off her latest prototype."

"Yeah, she's really proud of those ones. I don't know, they're skirting just a bit too close to the uncanny valley for me to feel comfortable."

"Rhys? Are you attracted to the robot's legs?"

"No, I'm not _attracted_ to—hey, is that a new hat? It looks good."

"Thanks. Where do you want me to put my stuff? We need to leave soon, right?"

"Right, we're cutting it a little close as it is. Hotel check-in's at three and we'll want some time to get ready before tonight."

"Just say the word. Hey, you're not going to puke on the way, are you? You're looking a little green."

"I'm just—really nervous about all this. It's a big job and if we get caught it's _not_ going to go well for us."

"Rhys, relax. We'll be together the whole time. When have I ever not been able to get us out of a bad situation?"

"I was thinking more about how many of those situations you've gotten us _into_ in the first place, Fiona."

"Are you sure you want to go down that road, Rhys? Because I think I have more than enough ammunition to fire back."

"Maybe—maybe not so much with the shooting metaphors today. It's really not helping the nerves."

"Okay, fine. Go finish getting ready, I'll start loading up the car."

"Meet you there in ten. Oh, and—Fiona?"

"What?"

"Happy—happy anniversary. Which...sounded a lot more awkward than I thought it was going to, so I _probably_ just shouldn't have said anything at all. Okay. I'm gonna—"

"Happy anniversary, Rhys. We made it a year without killing each other _or_ ourselves. I call that an accomplishment."

"Yeah. So do I."  


* * *

  
"Still looking pretty pasty there, Rhys. Do you want to go over the plan again? You said we have a couple hours to kill until we get there."

"I don't know. Will it help, or will it make me even more completely petrified?"

"For me, it helps. For you...yeah, I'm going to go with 'utter terror'."

"Let's err on the side of _not_ , then. Hey, did you bring your deck of cards along? Maybe a few rounds would settle me down a bit."

"You want to play cards in Zero-G?"

"Oh. That might make shuffling a bit hard, huh."

"I dunno, I could probably use the practice. It's bound to come up _sometime_ , right?"

"In your line of work, I wouldn't be surprised."

"I'm a _Vault Hunter_ now, Rhys."

"Well, from my admittedly limited experience, the only difference between conning and Vault Hunting seems to be the size of the monster at the end of the job."

"You may have a point there. Is Rummy okay? _Don't_ say Go Fish, because that is just not happening."  
  


* * *

  
"Which way is it to the room?"

"724, so I guess...left. Your other left, Fiona."

"I—I knew that. Hurry up with the bags."

"I'm hurrying! What did you pack in here, your set of matching anvils?"

"It's not that heavy. You clearly didn't take my advice about the push-ups."

"In fact I _did_ , and I'll have you know I'm now up to twenty a day. That still doesn't explain why you didn't just let me use a porter."

"Because then you have to tip, Rhys. I'm not made of money here."

"You're actually made up of several _million_ more dollars of money than I am."

"And I keep it that way by cutting costs where I can and not just blowing it all on plants. Here, this is us."

"Finally. Okay, I've got the keycard right here, so that's—just a second—oh come on—"

"Rhys—"

"I've almost got it! I mean—dammit—"

"This is—I can't watch this. I could _break_ into this room faster than you can unlock it."

"I've never been good with this type of card! Oh, there we go. See? You just have to have a little faith, Fiona. Go ahead, I'll grab the bags."

"...Rhys? What the hell is this?"

"What the hell is what? Oh. Uh."

"Rhys."

"Y-yeah."

"Why does our room have a heart-shaped bed? And a hot tub? And a fireplace? And a—is that a bullymong rug?"

"Bearskin. They're animals on—no, never mind, it doesn't matter. Okay. So—"

"So?"

"So I think...I may have accidentally booked us into the honeymoon suite."

"Accidentally."

"Yes, accidentally! I was chatting with the receptionist while we were checking in, we were making smalltalk, blah blah blah, and I _might_ have mentioned it was our anniversary in hopes of scoring an upgrade."

"You wanted an upgrade to the _honeymoon suite?_ "

"Not that, specifically! I was just hoping we'd get a—a balcony with a nice view or something."

"Well, we apparently also have that, so great job all-around."

"Look, it doesn't really matter, does it? We only need the room to—to sleep and get ready in. We can do that no matter what shape the bed is."

"No. No, I'm not sleeping in that. There's a _mirror_ on the ceiling, Rhys. I just know I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and—ugh. I don't even want to think about it."

"Well, you can take the rug, then. We should probably get dressed soon, the dinner starts in an hour."

"Dibs on the shower. You can...use the hot tub, I guess."

"Helpful as always, Fi."  
  


* * *

  
"Hey, Rhys?"

"Hold on, just finishing my hair. What do you—oh. Um. I—"

"Can you zip me up and fasten the clasp? The back of this dress is at a really awkward angle."

"Y-yeah, sure. Nothing to it."

"Thanks. How do I look?"

"You're—you look—it's very—appropriate."

"Appropriate?"

"For the occasion, I mean. Definitely...the right kind of thing to—to be wearing. To this. To fit in."

"I guess that's...good. You're not so bad yourself. Do up the tie and you'll practically _ooze_ 'corporate shill'."

"Well, oozing is one of my specialties."

"...Rhys—"

"I—I know what I said. I _know_."  
  


* * *

  
"I'm impressed, Fi. I didn't think you could outdo yourself when it came to inventing _amusing_ anecdotes about your husband, yet here we are."

"Hey, you're free to come up with some about me. No one's stopping you."

"I don't think my powers of prevarication are anywhere near developed enough."

"As a lifelong corporate wannabe? You're too hard on yourself, Rhys."

"How much time is left until the meeting? I'm getting really nervous about how long it's going to take to get in there."

"Let me see your hand—thirty minutes. We can leave anytime, we just have to figure out a way to get across the ballroom without being noticed. I think if we work our way around the edges, then—"

" _Or_ we could just go through the center. Come on—"

"Rhys! What are you doing?"

"I am, in a completely normal and even somewhat _dashing_ way, inviting my wife to dance."

"I _can't_ dance, Rhys!"

"What—really? You were a con artist, I just sort of assumed—"

"Yeah, usually the only type of dancing going on on Pandora is the kind where someone's shooting at your feet."

"Oh. That's true. Well—look, it's still the easiest way to get to that exit. Just follow my lead, okay?"

"Not the most reassuring words I've ever heard in the middle of a job."

"It'll be fine. You're lucky my parents insisted on lessons. I taught more than one young lady a thing or two about how to move."

"That was...incredibly creepy."

"No, it's—it's sweet!"

" _Incredibly_."  
  


* * *

  
"Ow!"

"What's wrong?"

"I just bashed my head on a—a loose duct piece. _Why_ am I going first, again?"

"Because I'm wearing a dress and you aren't that lucky. Just keep moving."

"How much farther until the storage closet?"

"You're the one with the map, Rhys."

"I can't read it when I'm crawling! Hold on a second, let me pull it up. Looks like—just a few more feet."

"Okay, good. Remember to be careful when you're taking off the grate, we want to keep this nice and quiet."

"Quiet. Got it. I can do quiet."

"Despite very little historical evidence of this."

"Funny. All right, I'm just going to unscrew this—and this—and—oh shit!"

"In what _universe_ was that quiet, Rhys? What the hell happened?"

"It's fine, it just—the grate fell into the closet. We'll get it on the way out, no big deal."

"It'll be a really big deal if it turns out someone heard that! We need to sit tight for a few minutes before you go down, make sure no one investigates."

"I can't really do anything _but_ sit tight up here. Oh god, my back. I don't think backs should feel like this."

"Okay, no one seems to have heard, so I won't have to hurt you after all. Hop down and check out the acoustics."

"I'm not sure I can _hop_ through here so much as...strategically fall."

"I don't really care what you do as long as you _don't_ make noise."

"You're going to be holding that one over my head for a while, aren't you? All right. Going down."

"Well? Is it going to work?"

"Yeah, I think I'll be able to record everything just fine, but it's a little tight in here. I'm not sure you should— _oof!_ "

"Ow. Shit, you have a hard head."

"As I was _saying_ , Fiona, I'm not sure you should come down because I don't think two people will comfortably fit, which you _may_ have already noticed!"

"I was already dropping when you said that! Besides, you need me to boost you back out again."

"Fine, just—can you turn the other way? It's kind of distracting to have someone breathing on my—my neck like that."

"Better?"

"I—well—s-sort of."

"Shush, I think they're coming into the room now. Start recording."  
  


* * *

  
"We did it, Fiona! I can't believe what a goldmine that was—names, meeting times, off-planet accounts—this is the corporate scumbag _jackpot!_ "

"Try to keep the excitement to a minimum, Rhys, we're not out of the woods yet. Which way at the fork here?"

"Oh, uh, let me check—wait. Oh no. Shit."

"What is it?"

"I think I—I accidentally erased the map when I jumped down into the closet."

"You _what?_ "

"It's—it's a very specific type of swipe but sometimes it happens by accident! And I mean, usually I can just restore the session right away—"

"Then why aren't you doing it?"

"—but I think the recording already overwrote the bytes in the memory. I—I'm not finding it, I don't know."

"We are trapped in the middle of a duct system, Rhys, and now you're telling me we're _lost?_ "

"Well, I mean—how hard can it be to find our way out again? We can just—retrace our steps through the dust."

"Yeah, you'd better hope there isn't a whole colony of rats up here also doing that, Rhys."

"Wait—rats? Rats don't live in ducts. Do they? Why did you have to mention _rats_ , Fiona?"

"Just shut up and pick a direction. The sooner we get out of here, the better."  
  


* * *

  
"Wait—this looks promising, I think there's an exit close by."

"Our exit or some other exit to who-knows-where?"

"We've been crawling around in here for ages, Fi, I don't think we have a lot of options at this point."

"I...really hate that you're right. At least make sure there's no one around before you head through, okay?"

"I have _some_ idea how to do this, believe it or not. It sounds clear. I think we should just go for it. Ready?"

"Not really, but fine."

"Come on, Fiona, what's the worst that could happ— _ack!"_

"No no no, don't you dare take me down with you— _ugh!_ "

"Blegh—that—that should not be in my mouth, nothing like that should ever be in—"

"A pond? You picked the exit right over a _pond?"_

"I—"

"Tell me, Rhys, were you born a complete idiot or did you have to work at it? Because I gotta say, something like this—it must've taken _years_ of practice—"

"That—"

"I knew I should have gone first, I _knew_ I should have, dress be damned—which, speaking of, is completely _ruined_ , and happened to be the one that matched my favorite lipstick perfectly—"

"F-Fiona—"

"So now we're both drenched and filthy and I don't know how we're going to sneak back in without giving everything away, because normally people at parties don't skip off for a late night _pond_ dip—"

"Fiona—"

"And to top it all off, we're _still_ lost because I never mapped out the grounds, seeing as I didn't realize we'd be taking a slight _detour_ during this completely ridiculous job we never should have planned in the first place!"

"Fi—"

" _What,_ Rhys? What the hell could you possibly have to say right now?"

"You're—you're beautiful."

"...What?"

"I—wait—no, don't come any closer, I didn't mean—please don't— _mmph!_ "

"...So what was that you didn't mean again, Rhys?"

"I...honestly thought you were coming over here to punch me, not—that."

"I still might. It depends on whether you can find a better use for that mouth than talking."

"You—you actually gave me some pretty good ideas just now."

"Come on, let's find our back to the hotel. I don't want to be around when someone releases the guard skags out here."

"Dogs, Fiona."

"What?"

"N-never mind."  
  


* * *

  
"Oh my god, Fiona—shouldn't we—shouldn't we talk about this first?"

"No, we absolutely should _not_. When have you ever made anything better by talking, Rhys?"

"Right, I just—I think this is actually our floor."

"Hit the button, we're not done here yet."

"What if someone needs the elevator?"

"They can take the stairs. Seriously, Rhys, the talking should really not be happening—"

" _Fiona—_ "  
  


* * *

  
"Come on—come on—oh, _come on_ —"

"Are you getting that door open or not?"

"I'm sorry for being a _little_ too distracted by your mouth on my neck to figure out the card reader, Fiona!"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Well—no, but—"

"Give me that. There, see how easy it is? Let's go."

"Wait, should we—do you want to clean off first? We're kind of covered in pond dreck."

"Almost all of it's on our clothes, so I don't really care. Do you care?"

"I—no. No, I definitely do not care."

"Then shut up and kiss me again."  
  


* * *

  
"Oh, for crying out—do you cut a sleeve off _every_ shirt you own?"

"Only some of them, the rest I order special. It keeps the fabric from catching on the metal. What does it matter?"

"I was just thinking—"

"Yeah?"

"The one-sleeve thing makes it a lot harder for me to lounge around in your dress shirts with nothing else on."

"...I'll buy more. I'll buy more _tonight._ "

"Mmn, I think you're going to be a little busy tonight."  
  


* * *

  
"Wait, Rhys—"

"What?"

"Your ECHO-eye. You're not going to use it to...scan my erogenous zones or something, are you?"

"It runs off a database, Fiona. So unless you uploaded your turn-ons to the ECHOnet—"

"Okay. Just checking."

"It _can_ tell me where bought your bra, though. Good taste, Fi."

"Thanks."  
  


* * *

  
"Fiona—hold up—before we keep going—do you have protection?"

"Don't _you?_ "

"It's not exactly something I carry around all the time expecting _this_ to happen."

"Huh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"This whole year, you really haven't been—there hasn't been anyone else, has there?"

"Well...no. We—we were married, and even if it wasn't _real,_ I still wasn't going to—"

"That's actually kind of sweet. Pathetic, but sweet."

"I'm sorry, is it a _problem_ that I didn't want to cheat on my wife?"

"No, I didn't mean—although—crap."

"What?"

"You're not going to last longer than a minute, are you?"

" _Wh-what?_ I can last _way_ longer than a minute. I've got stamina for—for hours. _Days_."

"Days? Really? Should've stuck with hours to make it sound more plausible."

"Well, it's—it's definitely more than a minute!"

"Don't get so offended. I have an idea, anyway."

"An idea for— _oh my god, Fiona_."  
  


* * *

  
"All right, I'll concede that that was longer than a minute. Not by _much_ , but—"

"I can—I can do without the commentary. Oh my god, Fiona."

"Yeah, you said that already. Like, a _lot_."

"Get over here, we'll see how smug you are in a moment."

"Wait, ground rules first—I don't want metal anywhere _near_ any sensitive areas."

"It has a vibration setting, Fi. Ten different speeds and it adjusts on the fly."

"...We'll try it."  
  


* * *

  
"Holy shit—you're actually good at this— _how_ are you so good at this—you are bad at literally _everything_."

"Mmph—"

"No, you don't talk, you just keep doing—fuck— _exactly that_."  
  


* * *

  
"You know, you could have just said you had an implant instead of forcing me to defend my virility."

"Come on, you know it was more fun that way."

"I'm not answering that. Okay. Okay, so—"

"Hold on, I don't know if I can—not like this."

"What's wrong?"

"That mirror, it's just—it's weirding me out too much, I can't concentrate on anything else. Let's switch."

"Oh. Sure. Is that better for—wow, you weren't kidding, that is _really_ weird."

"Isn't it? I wonder if they'd get mad if we took it down."

"We can figure that out after. For now—Fiona—"

"Right. Just...close your eyes if you have to."  
  


* * *

  
"Rhys—talk to me—"

"Fiona—of all times— _now_ you want me to talk?"

"Just—just shut up and say something."

"That doesn't even make sense—"

"You don't make sense! Just tell me—tell me what you like."

"What I— _that oh my god I like that_."  
  


* * *

  
"So. Fiona."

"What."

"You've been wanting to do that for _how_ long, exactly?"

"Can we please not."

"Oh no, I've been stuck on you for _way_ too long to let this one go. You weren't exactly bowling me over with hints, Fi."

"Because _I_ didn't even know for a long while. You think it's easy to come to terms with wanting to jump in the sack with corporate scum?"

"Wow, you are a natural at pillowtalk."

"I don't really _do_ pillowtalk, okay? Or any of this in general. Usually this is the part where I grab my clothes and leave."

"I wouldn't really recommend that here. There's still a pond's worth of mud stuck to your dress."

"Yeah, you're paying for dry-cleaning."

"I figured. Move over a bit, you're crushing my arm."

"You know, I think the push-ups really have made a difference, Rhys. There's _almost_ some definition here."

"Flattery will get you—well, everywhere, to be honest."

"Among other things, I've learned. What time is it, anyway?"

"It's—oh shit."

"What?"

"Fiona, I—"

" _What_ , Rhys?"

"It's—it's 11:57 PM Standard."

"That's all? It feels way later than that for some reason."

"It's 11:57 PM Standard _on our anniversary_ , Fi."

"Oh. _Oh_."

"We...just consummated our marriage right before the year and a day was up."

"Wow. We have some incredible timing."

"I—I can't believe I didn't even think to _check_. Now we're going to have to go through actual divorce proceedings, and involve lawyers, and figure out asset division—"

"Rhys, calm down. You realize we can just lie on the form, right?"

"What? Oh. I...didn't even think of that."

"You obviously didn't grow up in the conning business. I don't think I've ever signed a form I _didn't_ lie on somewhere."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right, that makes much more sense. Okay. We'll just fudge the dates a little and it should still go through fine."

"Although—there is another option."

"What?"

"We could just, you know, stay married."

"Wh-what?"

"Marriage, Rhys. The thing we've been doing for a year."

"Would you—would you actually _want_ to do that?"

"It's worked out pretty well so far, hasn't it? And I mean, we don't even have to worry about accidentally sleeping with each other anymore."

"That...honestly hadn't been a huge concern of mine until tonight."

"Yeah, that's fair."

"Still, I—I know this has never meant the same thing to you as it has to me, Fiona, and I just want to be sure—sure that _you're_ sure, I mean—"

"Stop being so damn dramatic, Rhys. I'm sure. Sleeping with someone I actually give a shit about is already novel enough, why _not_ add commitment to it too?"

"That might be the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say, Fi."

"I know. I can barely stand seeing myself like this."

"Well, seeing you like this is very easy on _my_ eyes."

"What the hell, Rhys? That was almost smooth. Since when have you ever been on the same _planet_ as smooth?"

"Hey, maybe you just didn't know what you were missing out on. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve you might find interesting—"

"The sleeve you don't cut off?"

"Funny."

"Well?"

"What?"

"So what are these tricks? Don't leave a girl hanging."

"You want to go again? Already?"

"Hours, Rhys. _Days_ , as I recall."

"Okay, okay, you just have to give me a bit of— _oh my god that'll do it._ "

"Yeah, I thought so."


End file.
